Quiet Murmurs [in my head]

Some days I wish the world to be quiet.  Just enough for my head to be properly sorted.

I have reached a point in my life that has made clear my role in the world.  I suppose I don't quite know how to take it and proceed.  I feel as though I have a profound understanding of my potential, without the means to act on it.  Have you ever felt that way?  Is it heavy for you to carry as well?  Or perhaps you have found a way to let him/her free.  I do hope you will tell me if that is the case.  It is getting awfully cramped in this heart of mine.

I feel as though I am intended to carry out something important, but what, I don't know.  I feel like poor Bilbo.  Unknowing until someone interrupts my morning and points me in the right direction.  Although I have a sinking feeling my push will not come from a wizard in a grey cloak.  Wishful thinking.

Thoughts, thoughts.  It is quiet and dark outside, and my mind is a bottomless pit.

Tumbling like Alice.  Deeper down the hole.

Curioser and curioser?

No rabbit in a waistcoat.

Just cold feet stuck between a couch cushion.

Feeling listless.

But it is peaceful floating here.

I did my taxes yesterday, and it went much better than I anticipated.

What a comfort.

Now I have to find us a new apartment before the fall.  Closer to the school Josh is transferring to.  But not too far.  I found one I like, but my love is not quite convinced yet.  Fingers crossed.

My son is getting so big.  I keep wondering when we should start number two.  Not in the next year, perhaps, but the next?  I don't want them to be too far apart.  

*sigh* I suppose money will be the main decider.

vomit.

I wish we still adhered to the medieval bartering system.  I would make off like a king.  

"Please good sir, for this glorious 2 bedroom apartment, accept my offering of a mini fridge, 4 unused chemistry books, and this delicious casserole as compensation for this month's rent."

"Well young lass, that would be most generous, if it weren't for the stain your child has seemed to embed into the carpet."

"Then perchance I throw in this adjustable desk lamp?  We have a few to spare."

"Aye, that will do.  Another month then!"

It would be easier, and less hassle than throwing yard sales every few months for all the crap we seem to accumulate.

Then again, I assume my landlord would have use for our crap.

But this is also MY pretend world.  I do what I want.

Oh, I really love the song that just came on.

Pardon me, but I must go.

I leave you now, to lay on my back, stare at the ceiling fan, and lose myself in a whimsical melody.

Bullying: Stop It

There are a few things I have seen recently that have ignited some very intense feelings.

This article and this video.

Bullying has played a very profound role in my life, and I know firsthand how absolutely devastating the effects can be.  It can make you question everything; make you question yourself.  It makes you wonder if you deserve to be happy, when everyone else has decided you don't.  Few things offer up such misery as bullying.

If you look at where society is today, bullying is the easiest thing to do, and there are thousands of outlets to do it through.  The internet, texting, calling, physical violence, emotional manipulation, discrimination, blatant lack of support or encouragement, gossiping, judging, overstepping boundaries with malicious intent... I could go on for a long time, but we all understand the idea.

I was bullied for years before I finally was able to see the abuse for what it was.  I would tell myself that they were joking, and it was all in the name of humor.  I would tell myself they were my friends, or that I was simply not up to scratch with their superior charm and wit.  I was mistaken, dimwitted, part of the fun.  Whatever way I could rationalize things in order to feel like I was not a victim.

Because once you realize and accept what is going on, you can't take that realization back.

And oh, does it sting.

I was quite involved in school from a very young age.  Clubs, leadership positions, extra credit, teacher's pet.  I was bubbly and social and very willing to trust.  A complete open book.  From where I sat, I had done nothing to provoke an attack.

But isn't that often the case?  The attack strikes the one least prepared for it.

Even today, it is difficult for me to look back at ages 11-17 without a slightly bitter taste in my mouth.  Honestly, I don't know when that will go away.

What should be beautiful memories are tainted by feelings of discomfort and misunderstanding, as well as that unfair feeling of being judged prematurely.

All any kid wants at the time of their life is acceptance and reassurance that they are ok being who they are.  How often does that happen?

I could write a book, in all honesty, about heartwrenching memories of abuse and wrongdoings towards me in my adolescence.  But what would that accomplish?

I started typing this, unsure of what my ultimate goal was, but I think I know now.

I type this in the small, infinitesimal chance that someone out there will run into it and know they are NOT alone.

That all those people who whisper and giggle and torment in an effort to forget their own insecurities... they don't matter one bit.  That you, within your suffering, are capable of finding peace.  You have to know, that I know, that there is no such thing as a worthless person.  You are loved, and wanted and admired by someone.  You have talents the world can't wait to see, and you are going to make it.

Be patient, and kill them with kindness.  Because someday your abusers will have no choice but to see things as they are, and what will their eyes be opened to when that day comes?

Don't become one of them.

Don't cry, (although feel no shame when you can't help it), find your strength, and walk out that door without a care in the world.

I care so much about you, though I don't know you.  You are not the only one who suffers.  Remember you are NOT your insecurities.

I send you all my hugs.
And I do believe that it is possible
For the bullying to stop.