Pretty Spectacular

Merry (belated) Christmas!  I hope you romped and frolicked and dined and enjoyed the most lovely niceties of a holiday nature. :)

I was enjoying a quiet house this afternoon while my son napped, and my husband was at work, allowing thoughts to wander (which they are wont to do).  I experienced a really lovely moment of clarity, looking back on the events of 2014.  It has been, I think without doubt, the most challenging year to date, for me.  This is due to the undeniable fact that in this year, I believe I have grown more within myself than at any other time of my life.  That is to say, I believe at this point and time, I know myself better than I ever have.

For anyone that has spent any time trying to accomplish this intensely personal feat, you will no doubt nod your head when I profess that it is one of the most frightening adventures you can attempt.  I have been forced, none too gently, to confront and overcome some gharish monsters I've been hiding away.  On top of that, I have determined it is time for me to acknowledge my potential.  What I could never have anticipated, is that in doing so, I have come to admit that I have been guilty of settling.

I find it an ugly word.

Other words I have come to despise are: mediocre, average, expected, typical, ordinary, standard, common...

In 2014, the thing I have come to face, again and again, is how little I want these words to serve as a description of my life.

What is to stop me from living the life of my dreams, but my own fears?  I have spent hours and hours reading books and watching documentaries of people who started with a desire, and made it a physical reality.  There are many more than you would ever imagine!  Isn't it amazing how many excuses I've come up with, as to why I could never live an extraordinary life?

What makes it even more funny, is that it isn't as if I am still figuring out my desires.  I know what it is I want to achieve in my life.  Every thrilling, heart-stopping, risk-taking, passionate, heartfelt moment of it.  I am ridiculously fortunate enough to have a husband that not only encourages me to dream big, but puts his dreams right next to mine and holds my hand while we pursue them.  Together.

And so, my dear, few, but lovingly loyal readers, that brings me to right now.

Mark my words.

2015 is my year.

I am standing on the edge of a cliff, ready to jump with both feet.

I don't know what the fall will bring.

I'll tell you what I do know, though.

I know exactly where I am headed. 

Because the view from up here is pretty spectacular.

To All Single 20-Something Girls - Enough.

Girls, let's chat.

I wrote a blog post a long time ago discussing that Nice Guys (don't) Finish Last.  Give it a read if you would like.  The quick version is, men need to stop wasting time on pursuits that don't fulfill them.  You can't wait for the things you want in life to magically come to you.  You've got to become the kind of person that attracts those things.  I basically threw down the hammer, and let the boys know that the excuses need to stop.

And now, it's your turn.

I recently came across this gem a friend posted on Facebook.  Funnily enough, that friend is a young, single girl in her 20's.  This article isn't the first of it's kind.  To the contrary, over the last year or so, I have seen countless blogs and columns devoted to the excruciating trial of being a young, single female.  Lists, memes, #hashtags, uttered in an attempt to validate how "real" the struggle is.

ENOUGH.

Enough complaining that you seem to repel every male within a mile.  If you need a man to make you happy, you never will be.  And you'll never be able to attract one of the caliber you seem to demand, either.  Yup, I have the audacity to say this as a married woman.  Men do not equate fulfillment, girls.  And REAL men, ones who don't do one night stands, and will hold your hand and take you to meet his mother... well they don't really seek whiny, self-deprecating, unsatisfied, seemingly helpless females.  They'll weed you out of their prospects so fast, you won't even realize you might have had a chance.  You are being guilty of the same thing I mentioned to the guys.  Making every excuse possible so you don't have to blame yourself.  YOU and YOU ALONE attract that which you want to obtain.  There are some great books on the subject.  If you can lower yourself to such an idea, try cracking one open one time.  It's almost as exciting as stalking your ex on Instagram.  Except you get to walk away feeling good about yourself.

Enough complaining about your body.  Forget thigh gaps and tight tummies and flabby arms and wide hips and cellulite butts.  Stop wishing that salads tasted like pizza, and that you could drown in cake.  Stop wishing you could trade bodies with your 13 year old sister.  You know what is more important than looking like a candidate for America's Next Top Model?  Health.  If you want to lose weight, hop on a damn treadmill.  If you hate how soda makes you break out, try a little H2o.  Girls, you act like you have absolutely no control over how you look, and how you feel about your body.  I am a huge supporter of the idea that skinny does not equal beautiful.  I am also a huge supporter in TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF.  Girls, you are in your 20's, and it doesn't get easier from here.  Take a stand, and close your mouth before another gallon of ice cream finds its way in there.  Self control is still a thing.

Enough complaining about other girls having things you want.  If your best friend got engaged, married, or pregnant, you better be congratulating the hell out of her and her significant other.  Especially if you expect people to be happy for you when it's your turn (remember, again, that would mean you have to be the kind of girl to attract a great guy.  Get it together.).  If you are seriously that upset about being asked to be a part of the wedding, you don't deserve to be there.  She's invited you to be a huge part of the most important day of her life.  If that upsets you, your selfishness has hit a new high.

Enough with the selfish, lazy entitlement.  I know that there is an app for everything, but that doesn't mean you have to actually use them for everything.  If you would quit living out of your phone and step out in the world (or even off the couch/bed) once in a while, you might find opportunities to expand yourself.  Just because you are young and striking out on your own... it does not mean you deserve the tan, clothes, house, limo, jewelry, etc. you so often obsess over on Pinterest.  You deserve what you work for.  That's it.

Speaking of work, stop complaining about your job.  We've all worked places that did not make us happy.  Those of us who have solved that problem?  We got ourselves together and looked for something better.  We quit, or took a risk, or sacrificed temporary pleasures for more lasting happiness.  If your boss is that pervy, or your bonus was less than your liking, TAKE ACTION.  You are in a place in your life that you have the time to start over.  

Enough mourning your periods, cramps, and girlish emotions.

Enough jealousy.  SO MUCH ENOUGHNESS.  

Enough blaming your parents/siblings/family for situations in your life.  I don't care how messed up or not your family is, if your life is not up to par, you get to blame yourself.  J.K. Rowling said it best: "There is an expiry date on blaming your parents (and I'll also insert family in general) for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you."

Girls, it is a rapidly changing time in history, and with each advance, society becomes more and more entitled, and less willing to examine themselves progressively.  This causes countless social stalemates, and innumerable sources of unattainable pursuits.  Don't let yourself become bitter or absorbed in what you don't have.

Work with what you do have.

And trust me, when you really commit to being the person who can attract your desires... big things happen.

Best of luck.

P.S. Leggings are not pants.

Impossible is a Word to Be Found Only in the Dictionary of Fools

Hello, loves.  Let's have a chat, you and I.

My favorite holiday is fast approaching.  Surprisingly, it is not Christmas, although it could be contended I missed my calling as an elf at the north pole, such is my enthusiasm for this time of year.  No, my favorite holiday is New Year's Eve.  People usually think it odd that New Year's holds such a special place for me, when Christmas and Thanksgiving are contenders.  I suppose I just take it very seriously.

I've always loved something about a fresh start.  As one of my favorite authors, L.M. Montgomery wrote, "Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?" 

I've been thinking a lot lately about failure.  The benefits of it, the harshness of it, and the decisions it inspires.  It is a difficult thing to experience, almost like life itself has rejected you.  But the more I examine failure, the more I have come to conclude this:

You can either let it beat you into the ground, or you can pick it up and wield it to achieve victory.

Oh, and isn't it heavy sometimes?  Reality is though - this is the price of dreams.  This is the price of greatness in life: inevitable, crushing, failure.  Maybe the road to your dream will take you through 1 failure, or perhaps 1,000.  There is a girl I know, a lovely Australian girl named Peta Kelly, and she recently put something in perspective for me.  I think you might also find it enlightening.

Pursuing your dreams is not HARD.  Don't you dare ever use that word.  Being blown up in a volcano - that is hard.  Waking up each morning without the gift of water - that is hard.  Not having the ability to move your body -  that is hard.  Being beaten, abused, hungry, dying - THAT IS HARD.  But going after your dreams?  No.  That's not hard.

Not to mention that it is perfectly possible to fail at doing the things that don't make you happy as well!  I learned that when I lost my last office job.  I think Jim Carrey said it best.  Take a look at these words from his commencement address earlier this year at MUM.

"My father could have been a great comedian, but he didn't believe that it was possible for him.  And so, he made a conservative choice.  Instead, he got a safe job as an accountant, and when I was 12 years old, he was let go from that safe job, and our family had to do whatever we could to survive.  I learned many great lessons from my father.  Not the least of which, is that you can fail at what you don't want - so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love."

This upcoming New Year's kickstarts massive action.  I have determined that I will probably fail a lot in 2015.  But I have also determined that I will achieve more success and more of my dreams than ever before.

We live in a day and age in which I have come to believe anything really IS possible.  I recently watched a man explain that the wealthiest places in the world are graveyards, because they are so full of ideas never acted upon, and dreams never made real.

But we're not dead.  YET.

13 days from now marks a whole new year.

I write this all here, because I want you to come with me.  Whatever your heart calls for the most, let this be the time you finally ask for it, and put those words to action.  What EXCITES you?  What makes you smile uncontrollably?  What is it that brings tears to your eyes, you want it so much?

Write it down.
Let's do it together.

She Told Me To Bite The Lemon

Hello, me again.

Because so many other people frequently write this blog.
(zing, still got it)

I recently attended a showcase hosted by a few of the most successful people in my industry.  Pleasantly, I have had the joy of learning from these individuals before, although every instance is a new kind of rush for me.  Let me tell you something about spending lots of time around the elite.

They are where they are because they want it more than you do.
That's it.

They started with just as much debt, doubts, and low self-esteem.  They had little to no support, they feared the unknown, and they had every single rejection that could slash them in the gut.

It is as much a choice for us, as it was for them.  I was reminded of a quote from one of my favorite actors:

"So many of us choose our path out of fear disguised as "practicality".  What we really want seems impossibly out of reach and ridiculous to expect, so we never dare to ask the universe for it!  I'm saying... that you can ask the universe for it.  Life doesn't happen to you, it happens FOR you.  As far as I can tell, it's just about letting the universe know what you want, while working toward it, and while letting go of how it comes to pass." -Jim Carrey

I challenge you to ask yourself when and why you stopped saying you were going to be a pro basketball player, or a singer in a band, or a fashion designer.  When did you stop writing in your journal about the animal shelters you wanted to open, or the hungry children you wanted to help feed?  What about all the places you haven't yet been?  I bet you I know some of the answers.

Which one is it?  Time, money, or both?  Or maybe, you are like me, and sometimes fight the battle of believing you are actually worth a summer home in England.  That you have the ability to reach out and find homes for orphans around the world.  That you can find the words to inspire people to be the best versions of themselves.

Maybe you feel like you can't be a leader, or even a doer.
Please know, I understand.

This last weekend, a beautiful woman by the name of Susan Sly told me that the first thing great achievers need to do is bite the lemon.

Take a good hard look at yourself and acknowledge all the unpleasant, sour, bitter things that are holding you back.  Some of them you can fix and maybe some you can't.  But own up that they are there, and move forward with your plan ANYWAY.  Bite down hard.  Chew those suckers up, and swallow.

If the last few months have taught me anything, it is that the darkness present in my life is NOT who I am.  Perhaps to some that sounds like an obvious conclusion to come to.  Yes, but that is a belief easier said than understood.

It is getting easier every day for me, and my success continues to increase, because I have embraced a simple bit of truth.

I am going to get there either way.
Come hell or high water.
With or without you.

And though I still have to fight the urge to push the lemons in my life aside.
They have lost their power to hold me back.

Kinda makes me a little giddy, truth be told.
-Insert sigh of contentment here-

Cogito, Ergo Sum

I think, therefore I am.
(Aren't you impressed with my fancy Latin knowledge?)

Over the last few months I have looked in depth at the power of thought.  I've read several books and experimented in applying a lot of my findings to myself.

Take a look at this gem:
"Mind is the Master--
Power that molds and makes, 
And Man is Mind, 
And ever more he takes 
The Tool of Thought, 
And shaping what he wills, 
Brings forth a thousand joys, 
A thousand ills--
He thinks in secret and it comes to pass; 
Environment is but his looking-glass"

Consider that.  The effect of any experience we have is molded purely by the power of our minds.  Man is mind, therefore, we are able to control and use that tool to shape our experiences for good or bad.  Even the thoughts you do not act on are influencing you.  The world around us, our lives, are reflections of how well we are wielding that tool.

When I have a bad day, I have begun to ask myself, "how am I using my greatest tool?"  Being of course, my mind.  Every time, I realize that the point in time where things go wrong, is the point when I have allowed my mind to run in the wrong direction.

This is not to say that our thoughts will always mold our environments to be ideal.  If someone is rude to me, I can not think an apology out of them.  I can, however, choose to think the best of that person, and refuse to allow those words to have a lasting effect.

That's an easy one.  Let's get a little more gritty.

Let's say I've made some really bad choices that have landed me with a crippling addiction.  It has depleted my health, mental wellness, and distanced my loved ones.  I can not think those loved ones back to me, or erase my choices.  But what can my tool accomplish?  Tools are made to build.  The power of thought can build a happy life, but I must learn how to handle it.  Confront your weakness, make a conscious commitment, surround yourself with support, detach yourself from the opinions of those who don't support you.  

What I am trying to get across is the miracle that YOUR THOUGHTS can get you through the most crucial elements of any goals you have in your life!

Try it, I dare you.
Just think about it.


Pun intended.

The Tooth Fairy

I was recently asked, "If a movie were made of your life, do you think people would watch it?"

At the risk of sounding cocky, absolutely.

I've had a pretty good amount of adventures in my time.  The fact that I am still pretty young is encouraging to me.  There are many adventures to look forward to.  One of the main reasons I started this blog was to have a place to regale an imaginary audience with my treasure trove of stories.  I'm happy to know that my audience isn't as imaginary these days.

I hope I will continue to amuse you.  And only on rare occasions will I attempt to make you cry.  Promise.

Today's recollection stems from my childhood.

I wouldn't go as far as to say I was a gullible kid.  Not really gullible.  But eager to believe in the fantastic.  Unicorns?  Obviously real.  Narnia?  I tried my closet on a daily basis.  Peter Pan?  I waited by my window every night.  Don't get me started on Santa.  The big guy and I have a rich history.

But this story is how I debunked the Tooth Fairy.

The tooth fairy to me was a serious pursuit.  It was one of the few mythical creatures that left evidence.  After losing my first tooth, and finding a couple quarters under my pillow, two things went through my head:

1. Tooth Fairy is a cheapskate.
2. I'm going to catch her next time and get at least a dollar.

Now a few lost teeth came and went, and I missed the little sneak every time.  Never more than 50 cents.  Sometimes she would throw in a piece of candy.  It infuriated me.  I remember telling my dad that I was getting gypped, and he told me the Tooth Fairy's budget was probably getting cut.

Nice cover, Dad.

The day came that I lost my last baby tooth.  The last one.  It was now or never.

I went to bed that night, tooth under pillow, and stayed on watch as long as my eyes would allow.  As the hours wore on, they became very heavy...

I jolted awake very early.  The sun was not quite up yet.  I panicked, and looked for quarters, but found my tooth still under my pillow.  I was relieved.  I hadn't missed her yet!  I was concerned though, because I knew that once the sun came up, she would have to wait until the next night.

I ran to my parent's room, because my mother was the authority on all things mythical (I'm so glad to this day she encouraged my rampant imagination).  I whispered hurriedly that the Tooth Fairy had not arrived yet, and sunrise was not far off.  My mother exclaimed that the Tooth Fairy must have had a very packed route that night.  She was sure that I would not be missed though, and told me to get back in bed and go to sleep, just to make sure.

So I did.  I dove back into the blankets, and did my best fake snore.  Ten minutes passed.  Fifteen.  I cracked my eye open and spotted the beginning of the sunrise outside.  I bolted to my mother's bedside again and declared rather bossily that the Tooth Fairy was running out of time.  My dear mother groggily defended the winged creature, and told me to try one more time to go back to sleep.

I cocooned myself in bed once again, and slowed my breathing.  Cracking my eyes open enough to catch any movement.

After about ten minutes, I heard my bedroom door open.  I was a little confused, because I had always imagined the Tooth Fairy using the window.  Her footsteps also sounded kind of heavy.  How big is this lady exactly?  Isn't the Tooth Fairy little, like Tinkerbell?  I couldn't resist any longer.

My eyes flew open and so did my mouth.

My mother stood before me with a guilty look on her face, two quarters and a piece of butterscotch candy in hand.  She was reaching for my pillow.

"Mooooommmm...?" I drew out, starting to put two and two together.

Needless to say, the illusion was officially shattered.

In the days that followed, my sweet mother would insist that she was called in by the Tooth Fairy to pick up my stop.  But it was too late.  I knew the truth.

The Tooth Fairy and my mother were the same person.

And my mom was not a fairy.

The Tooth Fairy was a lie.

My young heart was not too broken.  After all, I still had a chance to catch Santa on Christmas Eve.  He still hadn't brought me that pony I kept asking for.

Off My Chest.

Hello love, I'm happy to see you again.

Let's do what I do best, and talk in depth about my life.

As you may recall, I lost my job a couple months back.  At the time, it felt like getting dumped.  I had poured my heart and soul into a relationship, and felt it was mutual.  When I was let go, I was told that I was perfect for the company, yet there was too high a percentage of office error.  When that happens, they are obligated to cut down the areas where the highest level of error lies.  At the time that made sense to me.  A company has to make money to survive.  This was a business.  I hadn't realized I had fallen so far off the track.  I left that job feeling guilty.  A failure.  After all, in my exit interview, hadn't they said I was perfect for this company?

After the shock wore off, and I was feeling more myself again, I stepped back and realized that my old job has a massive flaw.  I wonder if they realize.

I've debated writing about this for some time.  Because I still consider the people I worked with there, some of the highest caliber of people I've ever met.  I'm sure a handful of them will read this.  But if nothing else, I gotta keep myself honest.

See working there, they work hard to make it fun.  And making people feel valued.  Which I love.

But.

Let's go back to my relationship analogy.

If you are dating someone who tells you you are perfect, makes your life fun, and constantly emphasizes that you are part of a family, you expect that relationship to last, providing your efforts are mutual, of course.

Here is what will always leave a slightly bitter taste in my mouth about that job -
Don't promote that the office is a "family" if you have a capacity limit on their strengths and weaknesses.  And don't promote the office is a "family" if you don't acknowledge them after you let them go. (Liking my Facebook status once in a while hardly counts).

I stand by that company as a great one, and I would recommend their services, hands-down over their competition.  But sometimes there are gaping holes you don't see until you are on the other side.

Anyone who has lost a "great" job can level with me on that one.

Now fast forward to the present.
Oh goodness, there will be a whole separate blog post on this soon, I promise.
I will just say though...
My life has transformed 100% in the most incredible way.

I won't go into a ton of detail yet, but I won't leave you entirely in the dark.

I am healthier then I've been in years.
I get to spend my days at home with my son.
I am actually going to be able to finish my books.  Hallelujah.
I will be able to help my husband quit his job soon (Oh, that gives me goosebumps).
Which means my husband and I get to work together, from home.
Or from Europe.  Which is also in the plans.
My husband can enjoy going to school, minus the rat-race pressure.
We are able to hand-pick the people we want to work with.
(On a slightly braggy note, sorry, but it helps that a large percentage of these people are wildly successful millionaires).
Best of all, I've never been more at peace with myself.  Guys, it turns out, I am pretty awesome.

Yep, that's what I said.

I Came Across This Gem

I think I am addicted to notebooks.  I have SO MANY.

I don't know if this is a "me" thing, or a writer thing, but every time I pass an aisle of notebooks or journals at any given store, I want one.  I just have these visions of filling each one up with lovely thoughts.  

*contemplate Peter Pan tangent... no, that obsession will have to wait for another day.*

Anyhow, I came across some really great pieces I had forgotten about.  I thought I would share one with you.  It must have been written sometime last year shortly after having my son...

It is entitled, "Forgetful Lucy"

I'd like to write a poem today,

But frankly, I don't know what to say.

My life of late has been quite dull

The daily grind, the push and pull.

Wake up early, feed your child

Keep him in check or he'll run wild.

Try to remember you have to eat

As you attempt to keep things neat.

The laundry should be folded, I know

But my baby's diaper decided to blow

Running, running here and there,

My sanity never had a prayer.

Oh Past Jessica, I promise, it does get much easier.

Too Good to be True

What is my life?

The last 4 days have provided so many turning points, I feel as though there is some mental whiplash going on.  In the best way.

Let's walk through the chain of events, shall we?

-Get fired from my job.

-Decide the best course of action is to move to Utah.

-Work out details, timing, and finances.

-Spend a full day freaking out about finances.

-Pray for God to send us a solution.

-Isagenix saves EVERYTHING.

I have gone from jobless, confused, and unsure about a future...

To having a plan, purpose, drive, and hey, a basically free vacation to San Diego for our first ever Isagenix convention!  

Funny, I thought I wasn't going to get to see those beaches this summer.  Hm.  It would appear the universe wants me to win a few after all.

I feel like this kid:

We are SO excited!

And yes, that is the understatement of the year.

Guys, this experience has literally caused me to rethink everything I had dreamed, and handed me the tools to make everything a reality.

Do you know the phrase, when the door closes, God will open a window?  Well, I feel like He just demolished the whole wall, and oh, the light is pouring in!

We will get through school debt free.  We will have the time, resources, and health to enjoy our lives the way WE WANT TO.  We have found a tool that is placing no limits on how fast or free we can become!  If I had known this was possible before, I would not have wasted a week, nay, a second on anything else but this stark realization.

My husband and I have not slept the last two nights, because we are so overwhelmed with how blessed we have become in such a short amount of time.  

Do you know that feeling you get on Christmas Eve as a kid?  You lay in bed, all jittery and excited.  Your brain is moving too fast to follow, and you feel as though you could burst at any second with the giddy happiness floating in the air?

I have been feeling it every day this week.  I know I will feel it every day next week, and next month, and next year.  Because freedom is so, so incredibly close.

Guys, I am happy.  I can't even remember the last time I was this full of joy and purpose.

My life is perfection.

As I weep tears of overwhelmed joy, I am so thankful for my family, friends, and this incredible company for getting our life going on our terms.

If you don't think that complete personal, physical and financial freedom is impossible.  Think again.  It's closer than you think!

It's Not You...

Unemployment.  Yeck.

Yes, I've got my blues music playing.  I get at least 1 day to wallow in self-pity.  And it is 11 o'clock.  So I still have one hour to go.  Then pity party over.

*Sigh* - and I didn't even get balloons.

I got dumped guys, and I won't pretend it didn't sting a bit.  Let me explain this in traditional Jessica style.

Foxy* and Jessica - A Love Story

(*name totally changed)

Foxy and I had a great relationship from the start.  He offered me all the riches and comforts I desired, and praised me for my every quality.  I was so smart, witty, confident, charismatic, capable.  Foxy, well, so was he.  I dove in with all the passion of a new love.  Every hour I spent with Foxy was like a missing puzzle piece I had finally found.  There was a completeness and driving momentum to make it even better.  And in the beginning, we excelled with one another.

Of course Foxy had flaws, the same as I did.  But I think in the beginning, we both did not care to see them in each other.  We were made for each other it seemed, why ruin a good thing?  Doubts formed, and were just as swiftly brushed aside.  I guess I should have listened.  The signs were there.

Foxy and I had an open relationship, I guess you could say.  It didn't mind sharing.  In fact, I felt included in a family of sorts.  Foxy couldn't help it, he was so easy to love.  People were drawn to him.

Foxy was warm, accepting.  You'd never have thought he was capable of turning someone away.

But this morning, Foxy looked me right in the eye, and told me I was perfect, but not perfect enough.  I felt my mind go numb, and the contradictions flew left and right.  But I didn't know how to form the sentences.  I couldn't even be mad.  Even in rejecting me, Foxy managed to make me feel loved.  If you've never experienced a confusing emotion, try that sucker on for size.

And even now, now that I have been able to process and adapt.  Now I lack anger or indignation.  Because Foxy did give me an invaluable gift.

The knowledge that I am good enough.  To be nothing but myself.  Our love affair was brief, passionate, and heart-breaking in the end.  But, don't they make the best love stories anyway?  Shakespeare wrote tragedies for a reason.

Foxy, you'll always hold a special place in my heart.  Curse you for your happiness-driven, honorable ways.

And that will be that, with that.

If You Don't Like Blues Music, You're Wrong

How do I help someone understand why I love blues, jazz and soul, so so much?  This type of music gets personal.  It gets gritty, and sarcastic, and passionate, and seductive at times.  It is exactly the roller coaster I want to ride.

I used to live in Utah, and I met someone there who proceeded to introduce me to Blues dancing.  I just looked at her, bewilderment and gratitude swimming in my eyes, and stuttered to her, "this is a real thing?"

She just smiled, and began to teach me.

Thank you Laura.

I have since attempted to teach my husband how to dance to blues music, and he actually catches on pretty well.  I'm grateful he tries, because it really is therapeutic for me.

If you are curious what blues dancing looks like, take a gander:

It is very much like a tango, but, just, so much more fun.

That being said and shown, here is a list of some really fantastic tracks.  Blues, jazz, and fusion.  For listening and dancing alike, in no particular order:


1. The Big Bang - Katy Tiz
2. My Boy Builds Coffins - Florence and the Machine (THIS version)
3. Sexy Silk - Jessie J
4. Grounds For Divorce - Elbow
5. Damn Your Eyes - Alex Clare
6. Skyfall - Madilyn Bailey
7. Volcano - Damien Rice
8. Poison - The Silent Comedy
9. Layla - Eric Clapton
10. Damn Right, I've Got The Blues - Buddy Guy
11. Til The Casket Drops - ZZ Ward
12. Bottom of the River - Delta Rae
13. Get Back Temptation - Ollabelle
14. Eyes On Fire - Zeds Dead RMX - Blue Foundation
15. Who Will Comfort Me - Melody Gardot
16. Broken - Lauren Hoffman
17. Got My Mojo Workin' - Asylum Street Spankers
18. Knockin' - Carolina Chocolate Drops
19. Really, any rendition of St. James Infirmary.
20. Black - Kari Kimmel
21. Feeling Good - Michael Buble
22. Relax My Beloved - Alex Clare
23. Dreaming With a Broken Heart - John Mayer
24. Cyclone - Ernie Halter
25. Bartholomew - The Silent Comedy
26. Cold Turkey - Anthony David
27. Breathe Me - Sia
28. Ain't No Sunshine - Lighthouse Family
29. My Discarded Men - Eartha Kitt
30. Summertime - Renee Olstead
31. Sinkin' Soon - Norah Jones
32. Inside Out - Imelda May
33. Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down) - Nancy Sinatra
34. Skin and Bones - David J. Roch
35. The Garden - Mirah
36. Come Together - Joe Cocker
37. Le Ballet - Celine Dion
38. Stay With Me Tonight - Emma Wallace
39. Blues 2.0 - Fruteland Jackson
40. Me and Mrs. Jones - Michael Buble

P.S. My ultimate favorite song to blues dance to is Slow Dancing in a Burning Room by John Mayer.  Ugh.  Perfection.

Prove You Wrong

I expect a lot of myself.  I mean, a lot.

It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it does mean I inevitably disappoint myself frequently.  But here is the thing, I know what I am capable of, and that is encouraging.  Because I am capable of anything, honestly.  I've seen myself do things I was certain would be impossible.  This has made me far more daring, open, and passionate about my pursuits.  So far, it's done nothing but good for me.

Here's hoping it continues.

I have hit a point in my life, where I stand on a precipice.  Looking over the edge, I am greeted by a plethora of smells, sounds and feelings, but can not see the bottom.  Only darkness.  Do I jump into nothing, to possibly gain everything?  Or am I too gullible to see the certain demise opening it's maw wide open to devour me?  I can't stand here forever guys.  

The thing is, turning away would go against the whispers of my heart.  I can't leave these questions unanswered.  If I fail and get burned, I know who will be there to bring me back.

So, that's what's been on my mind lately.

Times like these, I rediscover myself.  We always think we have ourselves figured out, don't we?  Will I ever really know what makes me tick?  If I don't know, my husband doesn't have a prayer.

I've started to sing again.  I forgot how I much I love it.  Someone told me I sound like Norah Jones once.  It might be one of the best compliments I have ever received.  I doubt the truthfulness of it, but still.  If beautiful, beautiful Norah and I were ever to meet, there's a conversation piece?  I'd humiliate myself.  Let's be honest.

I'm great at humiliating myself.

In other topics, it has come to my attention that I have, in fact, some semblance of a readership?  My manager (Well, ex-manager, enjoy California, Josh.  And your stupid beaches too.) told me the other day that he spent 3 hours reading my blog a couple weeks back?  And then again, an old childhood friend confessed she follows my blog closely?  Shucks, ya'll.  I'm both flattered and self-conscious.  What else is new.

I'm listening to some really fabulous music at the moment.  For those of you who don't know, I have a very real, very serious love for blues music, blues dancing, soul, etc.  Throwout to my husband, who was sweet enough to learn to blues dance for me.  He claims he can't dance.  But, oh.  He can.

In any case, I am contemplating putting together a playlist and publishing TWO posts tonight.  Because if you don't know blues music... you just, you should.  That is all.  Soothes my soul, period.  If you have a soul, it will soothe yours too.

Oh, I'll probably be back.

Stay riveted.

You Win Some, You Give Up Some, You Love More.

Here you go
All alone,
Making butterflies show
First it's slow.

Then you take my hand,
Let me cry,
Flick the insecurities off my shoulder.
You smell nice,
And your chest is warm.
And your heartbeat speaks to me.

Oh darling, it's been a long day.
We work too hard
Didn't we have dreams?
Still there, tucked in the corner.
In a box that whispers at night.

You tell me we can open it anytime.
I can do anything,
Or so you insist.

I can't hide the grins.
They fight for control of my features.

My lips taste salty, but now somehow sweeter.

Fingers twist my hair,
Soft forehead kisses.
You gently promise the world
With every intention of delivering.

I am selfish, for needing you so.
You know I am selfish, but pretend I am a saint.
What a nice gesture.

Your cheeks poke mine.  Little scruffy prickles.
Giggles and jokes.
Tickling, which you know I hate.
I pretend to be mad.
Maybe I am a little mad.

It isn't fair, how easy you make life to be.
Can we stay here, above the earth forever?

Hold me dearest, until morning.
Oh, I love you.

Do You Feel Neglected?

Should I bother apologizing for my absence?  Who reads this anyway?  To my minimal (albeit sincere) audience, I have returned.  I promise to never leave you for so long again.  I've been doing some changing and self-improving.  I hope that is acceptable.

Let me catch you up.  Apologies for the impending ramble.

It's been a little less than a month since my last depressive episode, which is amazing.  And it didn't last longer than 24 hours.  I am learning a lot of different ways to master my demons, and remember what I really am capable of.  I am starting to embrace things about myself that I once abhorred.  My husband is happier as a result of me being happier, and I have even noticed things about my son I did not could not before.

Living in an apartment with more than 1 tiny window is a plus.  Not that I won't miss the cave we lived in before but... No, I do not miss the cave.

I have a sense of purpose.  I think it stems from a few things.  Renewed determination to finish my book.  My new job.  My husband's everlasting reassurance and confidence in me.  Taking time to feel comfortable in my skin.

I guess I stopped caring.  About the wrong things, I mean.

Sometimes, I still struggle with caring too much, but baby steps.

#iamenough

Sometimes, I list things that I think are flaws within myself, and mentally turn them into strengths.  Today, I found myself hating the fact I share so much about myself so easily.  Sometimes to people that I may not know incredibly well.  But that just means I am genuine, and have nothing to hide.  I never leave a conversation regretful of what I said, but of how it was received or translated.  I still think too much of what others think of me.  That one will still take some time.

And on that note, Hubs sent me off to work this week with another hickey, and I've worn a scarf 3 of the 4 days I've been to work.  Summer in AZ does not lend itself to scarves, and it's been sweltering.

I hope that confession made you smile.

I enjoy making people smile.

I missed this.

Blog, you always listen to me.  If I could hug you and invite you over for dinner, games, and a movie, I would.

Let's ramble and rant more often, yes?

Also, it is my bestie friend's Tana's birthday today.  And she is beautiful years old.  But seriously I think she is turning 24... 23?  Freak Tana, how old are you?  I'm the worst best friend ever.  Here are some adorable pictures of us to make up for it:

Whe-ell, it's late.  Goodnight.  It's good to be back.
I leave you with this thought.  It's a gem I've enjoyed lately.

"The victim mindset dilutes the human potential.  By not accepting personal responsibility for our circumstances, we greatly reduce our power to change them."
-Steve Maraboli

Quiet Murmurs [in my head]

Some days I wish the world to be quiet.  Just enough for my head to be properly sorted.

I have reached a point in my life that has made clear my role in the world.  I suppose I don't quite know how to take it and proceed.  I feel as though I have a profound understanding of my potential, without the means to act on it.  Have you ever felt that way?  Is it heavy for you to carry as well?  Or perhaps you have found a way to let him/her free.  I do hope you will tell me if that is the case.  It is getting awfully cramped in this heart of mine.

I feel as though I am intended to carry out something important, but what, I don't know.  I feel like poor Bilbo.  Unknowing until someone interrupts my morning and points me in the right direction.  Although I have a sinking feeling my push will not come from a wizard in a grey cloak.  Wishful thinking.

Thoughts, thoughts.  It is quiet and dark outside, and my mind is a bottomless pit.

Tumbling like Alice.  Deeper down the hole.

Curioser and curioser?

No rabbit in a waistcoat.

Just cold feet stuck between a couch cushion.

Feeling listless.

But it is peaceful floating here.

I did my taxes yesterday, and it went much better than I anticipated.

What a comfort.

Now I have to find us a new apartment before the fall.  Closer to the school Josh is transferring to.  But not too far.  I found one I like, but my love is not quite convinced yet.  Fingers crossed.

My son is getting so big.  I keep wondering when we should start number two.  Not in the next year, perhaps, but the next?  I don't want them to be too far apart.  

*sigh* I suppose money will be the main decider.

vomit.

I wish we still adhered to the medieval bartering system.  I would make off like a king.  

"Please good sir, for this glorious 2 bedroom apartment, accept my offering of a mini fridge, 4 unused chemistry books, and this delicious casserole as compensation for this month's rent."

"Well young lass, that would be most generous, if it weren't for the stain your child has seemed to embed into the carpet."

"Then perchance I throw in this adjustable desk lamp?  We have a few to spare."

"Aye, that will do.  Another month then!"

It would be easier, and less hassle than throwing yard sales every few months for all the crap we seem to accumulate.

Then again, I assume my landlord would have use for our crap.

But this is also MY pretend world.  I do what I want.

Oh, I really love the song that just came on.

Pardon me, but I must go.

I leave you now, to lay on my back, stare at the ceiling fan, and lose myself in a whimsical melody.

Bullying: Stop It

There are a few things I have seen recently that have ignited some very intense feelings.

This article and this video.

Bullying has played a very profound role in my life, and I know firsthand how absolutely devastating the effects can be.  It can make you question everything; make you question yourself.  It makes you wonder if you deserve to be happy, when everyone else has decided you don't.  Few things offer up such misery as bullying.

If you look at where society is today, bullying is the easiest thing to do, and there are thousands of outlets to do it through.  The internet, texting, calling, physical violence, emotional manipulation, discrimination, blatant lack of support or encouragement, gossiping, judging, overstepping boundaries with malicious intent... I could go on for a long time, but we all understand the idea.

I was bullied for years before I finally was able to see the abuse for what it was.  I would tell myself that they were joking, and it was all in the name of humor.  I would tell myself they were my friends, or that I was simply not up to scratch with their superior charm and wit.  I was mistaken, dimwitted, part of the fun.  Whatever way I could rationalize things in order to feel like I was not a victim.

Because once you realize and accept what is going on, you can't take that realization back.

And oh, does it sting.

I was quite involved in school from a very young age.  Clubs, leadership positions, extra credit, teacher's pet.  I was bubbly and social and very willing to trust.  A complete open book.  From where I sat, I had done nothing to provoke an attack.

But isn't that often the case?  The attack strikes the one least prepared for it.

Even today, it is difficult for me to look back at ages 11-17 without a slightly bitter taste in my mouth.  Honestly, I don't know when that will go away.

What should be beautiful memories are tainted by feelings of discomfort and misunderstanding, as well as that unfair feeling of being judged prematurely.

All any kid wants at the time of their life is acceptance and reassurance that they are ok being who they are.  How often does that happen?

I could write a book, in all honesty, about heartwrenching memories of abuse and wrongdoings towards me in my adolescence.  But what would that accomplish?

I started typing this, unsure of what my ultimate goal was, but I think I know now.

I type this in the small, infinitesimal chance that someone out there will run into it and know they are NOT alone.

That all those people who whisper and giggle and torment in an effort to forget their own insecurities... they don't matter one bit.  That you, within your suffering, are capable of finding peace.  You have to know, that I know, that there is no such thing as a worthless person.  You are loved, and wanted and admired by someone.  You have talents the world can't wait to see, and you are going to make it.

Be patient, and kill them with kindness.  Because someday your abusers will have no choice but to see things as they are, and what will their eyes be opened to when that day comes?

Don't become one of them.

Don't cry, (although feel no shame when you can't help it), find your strength, and walk out that door without a care in the world.

I care so much about you, though I don't know you.  You are not the only one who suffers.  Remember you are NOT your insecurities.

I send you all my hugs.
And I do believe that it is possible
For the bullying to stop.

Why Are Emotions So Stupid?

Blog, sometimes I get caught up, and forget you exist.  Forgive me?  I will always come back, I promise.

I always wanted to start a blog with personal intentions.  Just a private home among the constant thrum of the internet that would be privy to my mind, and could offer a semblance of sanctuary.  Maybe I should get back to that.

My mind needs a sanctuary.

Which is why I've decided to make it a little more private.  I have always been able to express myself through writing much better than speaking, and I know it might also make sense to just keep this blog to myself... but I just feel like maybe that is my problem.  Maybe I try to hard to shut certain parts of myself up.  Theories.

So I now find myself going back to the original blog I always wanted.  Personal, flawed, and sharable with a small audience.  Yes, I do like it better this way.

My life right now I feel is so full of Pros and Cons, but still feels so jumbled.  Maybe I should try to separate the positive and negative.  Bad stuff first.  I'd rather end on a good note.

LIFE CONS
I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.  First the flu, then a cold, now my allergies are on the fritz.  I am also really dehydrated, and that means every time I stand up, little black spots keep obscuring my vision.  So I am sitting here with a water bottle, drinking until I hate it, and praying Landon does not wake up anytime soon.  Really though, this has been going on for days, and I just want to feel normal.  I even had to leave work early on Saturday because I could hardly stand.

And speaking of work... anyone ever work retail?  I have been with my job for 2 years now (props for that though.  That is the longest I have been anywhere!), and I like it infinitely less than I did when I started.  No matter how many of us "oldies" there are, the New Person turnover keeps rotating, exhausting us all with newer and newer less capable people to teach.  Most days I just take it upon myself to get a good job done, and shut out the stupidity.  Customers are rude, hours are long, and breaks are few.  But what choice do I have?  My boys have to eat, and bills gotta get paid.

And I have grown to hate that feeling.  The feeling that as much as I hate certain aspects of my life right now, they are not very changeable, because everything that is happening is necessary to progress to the next step.  Who could have known how far apart those steps would be?

I hate living in The Cave.  That is what I call it in my mind.  Because that is exactly what it is.  I live in a basement apartment with a single window that barely illuminates one room.  For a girl who often struggles with depression, it is not the most opportune living arrangement.  But it is the cheapest one, which often settles any decision.

I hate not being able to be a full time student, as I always pictured myself being at this point in my life.  I hate having to wait to pursue the dream I have only had since I was 7.  All that is available to me right now is maybe, maybe 1 online class at a time.

I despise the fact that money runs the world.

I hate being so far away from my family, because as much as you love people, distance always puts a strain on a relationship.  I feel like some of those relationships are now infinitely more awkward and silent judgments are being passed.  Maybe that is part of what happens as a family grows up and gets married and whatnot.  I don't know.  But none of us are exactly the same, and that should just be ok.  I don't like the feeling that my standards of living are not up to par with other members of the family, when I think we are doing just fine.  You know what it feels like sometimes?  It feels like I am in an art class, and I am working on this painting that is a little different from the other student's work.  Then the teacher walks by and sometimes he says something like, "that is an interesting way to paint that, but let me show you why it is wrong." OR the teacher walks by and shakes his head without saying anything, and makes some sort of dissatisfied noise.  And I can feel the disapproval oozing all the way from his desk.  It seems like once one issue gets resolved, another is bubbling at the surface.  It is hard because I just remember simpler times, when family discomfort just meant that Jon had been teasing me again.

I don't think I realized how much that was bothering me until now.

And I don't know if there is a solution for that one because if someone opts out of chiming in, I'll just know they are disapproving inside their heads anyway.

Maybe.  Ugh.  I don't know.

I mean, I'm not trying to slam my family.  I think they are all perfectly wonderful.  I would just like to be accepted for my differences of living.  It's not like my lifestyle is all that drastically different.

I dunno, I do not mean for this to become a whole post about my deep-seated family insecurity issues.

It's just that, I was raised in a pretty strict, proper home compared to most kids.  Even kids that were the same religion as me.  But now I am grown up, and I think it is my turn to decide what is ok for my family.  And so far, I think I am doing a great job, honestly.  I just don't always think everyone is of that same opinion.

And that's enough of that.

I also struggle on and off with my anxiety and depression, and lately my anxiety has been eeking into my social perceptions, and it is really annoying!  I haven't even been taking my birth control as regularly as I probably should, because when I am on it, my depression feels worse.  Is it bad for me to want to be happy?  It is just hard to take it knowing how much harder it will be to fight those feelings.  I should get it figured out though.  Sometimes I just feel despondent.  I guess I would like to feel clear-headed and healthy.  Currently, that is what I am aiming for.

LIFE PROS

My husband is the bomb, and supports me through everything.  I know there are times where it is really difficult for him to understand why or what I am feeling, but he tries anyway.  He is such a good father, and it is like, my favorite thing to watch.  He works so hard so I don't have to work (as much) and has this borderline annoying happy-no-matter-what attitude that luckily, gets infectious.  He is flying through his schooling the best he can, so that I can have my shot at it, and he is doing SO WELL.  He will be transferring to ASU in the fall, so that means we can move OUT of The Cave, and somewhere with more light and life to be had.  Watching him succeed motivates me more than anything.

My son is honestly, a pretty easy kid, and the older and more interactive he gets, the closer our relationship is, and I love having that connection with him.  At least, even if I fail everything else, I can know I am a great mom, and that he loves me unconditionally.  For now at least.  Wait until he is old enough for chores.  Then we'll talk.  LOL.

I have my little sister coming to visit me for a week this month, and I think that will be good for both of us.  She is graduating high school (ugh, how does that happen?) soon and I am glad to spend time with her before she flies out into the big wide world.  And at the end of the month, I get to spend a few days with (almost) the whole rest of my family, and I think that will give our distance-strained relationships some relief.  When it comes down to it, I love my family more than anything, and I know they love me too.  I feel blessed to have the one I do, and I think we are just a family that is still learning what it means to form our own units.  I also have a new niece and nephew to meet!  Ooooh the baby fever is bad some days, guys.

I guess I will count that as a pro.  I have baby fever, and were it not for living costs and ... ok pretty much money in general, we would be on our way to popping out another one as far as I am concerned.  But since we can not even think about it right now, I use it as motivation to get to a place where we can.  Until then we are taking plenty of precautions. LOL (My spotty use of birth control has been reinforced, so trust me, we are good.)

I get to teach a class two Thursdays from now to a group of women about the importance of choosing happiness.  Sometimes I wonder how qualified I am to speak on that topic, but I think it is a lesson that I myself need to adhere to.  Maybe this lesson will be more for my benefit, but maybe that is ok.  I am having a lot of fun doing the research for it, and maybe it will turn out.

I also am having the time of my life researching/writing my book, and I love it so much.  For now, that is my second baby. :)

Well, my water bottle is empty, and my head feels slightly better.

I have high hopes that today will be a good one.

2014

Why hello blog, we haven't spoken in a while.

The year is almost over, and I'm pleased to discover that I'm pretty excited about that!

New Year's has long been my favorite holiday, and for some that seems strange, given that we just had Thanksgiving and Christmas (also awesome).  It's just that, well, there are few things in life I love more than a clean slate.  And not just that, but an opportunity for change.  For improvement.  For adventure.  I am quite fond of all those things.

One of my favorite books, Anne of Green Gables, says: "Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it."

But I often recite it to myself with a little revision: "Tomorrow is always fresh, with every opportunity in it."

And this, friends, is why I am excited for this new year.

I know for many, New Year's is a time of revision, repentance, and hopeful do-overs.  But at this point in my life, I find that idea pessimistic.  I think that too often, we sit and mourn all of the things that went wrong, and say, "next time I'll do __".

For me, that has never yielded the best results.  I've found that if I set a goal while pledging to right a wrong I've committed, or fix a flaw, I focus too much on the mistake.  I then get discouraged, lose hope, and go back to old habits.

In reality, there is nothing wrong with you.  Just be a better version of yourself.

There is an idea that in order to be happy, we must change who we are.  I disagree.  I think that happiness comes when we accept who we are, and then set out to perfect that person.

That is what my hope for this year is.