I think I am addicted to notebooks. I have SO MANY.
I don't know if this is a "me" thing, or a writer thing, but every time I pass an aisle of notebooks or journals at any given store, I want one. I just have these visions of filling each one up with lovely thoughts.
*contemplate Peter Pan tangent... no, that obsession will have to wait for another day.*
Anyhow, I came across some really great pieces I had forgotten about. I thought I would share one with you. It must have been written sometime last year shortly after having my son...
It is entitled, "Forgetful Lucy"
I'd like to write a poem today,
But frankly, I don't know what to say.
My life of late has been quite dull
The daily grind, the push and pull.
Wake up early, feed your child
Keep him in check or he'll run wild.
Try to remember you have to eat
As you attempt to keep things neat.
The laundry should be folded, I know
But my baby's diaper decided to blow
Running, running here and there,
My sanity never had a prayer.
Oh Past Jessica, I promise, it does get much easier.
The last 4 days have provided so many turning points, I feel as though there is some mental whiplash going on. In the best way.
Let's walk through the chain of events, shall we?
-Get fired from my job.
-Decide the best course of action is to move to Utah.
-Work out details, timing, and finances.
-Spend a full day freaking out about finances.
-Pray for God to send us a solution.
-Isagenix saves EVERYTHING.
I have gone from jobless, confused, and unsure about a future...
To having a plan, purpose, drive, and hey, a basically free vacation to San Diego for our first ever Isagenix convention!
Funny, I thought I wasn't going to get to see those beaches this summer. Hm. It would appear the universe wants me to win a few after all.
I feel like this kid:
We are SO excited!
And yes, that is the understatement of the year.
Guys, this experience has literally caused me to rethink everything I had dreamed, and handed me the tools to make everything a reality.
Do you know the phrase, when the door closes, God will open a window? Well, I feel like He just demolished the whole wall, and oh, the light is pouring in!
We will get through school debt free. We will have the time, resources, and health to enjoy our lives the way WE WANT TO. We have found a tool that is placing no limits on how fast or free we can become! If I had known this was possible before, I would not have wasted a week, nay, a second on anything else but this stark realization.
My husband and I have not slept the last two nights, because we are so overwhelmed with how blessed we have become in such a short amount of time.
Do you know that feeling you get on Christmas Eve as a kid? You lay in bed, all jittery and excited. Your brain is moving too fast to follow, and you feel as though you could burst at any second with the giddy happiness floating in the air?
I have been feeling it every day this week. I know I will feel it every day next week, and next month, and next year. Because freedom is so, so incredibly close.
Guys, I am happy. I can't even remember the last time I was this full of joy and purpose.
My life is perfection.
As I weep tears of overwhelmed joy, I am so thankful for my family, friends, and this incredible company for getting our life going on our terms.
If you don't think that complete personal, physical and financial freedom is impossible. Think again. It's closer than you think!
Yes, I've got my blues music playing. I get at least 1 day to wallow in self-pity. And it is 11 o'clock. So I still have one hour to go. Then pity party over.
*Sigh* - and I didn't even get balloons.
I got dumped guys, and I won't pretend it didn't sting a bit. Let me explain this in traditional Jessica style.
Foxy* and Jessica - A Love Story (*name totally changed)
Foxy and I had a great relationship from the start. He offered me all the riches and comforts I desired, and praised me for my every quality. I was so smart, witty, confident, charismatic, capable. Foxy, well, so was he. I dove in with all the passion of a new love. Every hour I spent with Foxy was like a missing puzzle piece I had finally found. There was a completeness and driving momentum to make it even better. And in the beginning, we excelled with one another.
Of course Foxy had flaws, the same as I did. But I think in the beginning, we both did not care to see them in each other. We were made for each other it seemed, why ruin a good thing? Doubts formed, and were just as swiftly brushed aside. I guess I should have listened. The signs were there.
Foxy and I had an open relationship, I guess you could say. It didn't mind sharing. In fact, I felt included in a family of sorts. Foxy couldn't help it, he was so easy to love. People were drawn to him.
Foxy was warm, accepting. You'd never have thought he was capable of turning someone away.
But this morning, Foxy looked me right in the eye, and told me I was perfect, but not perfect enough. I felt my mind go numb, and the contradictions flew left and right. But I didn't know how to form the sentences. I couldn't even be mad. Even in rejecting me, Foxy managed to make me feel loved. If you've never experienced a confusing emotion, try that sucker on for size.
And even now, now that I have been able to process and adapt. Now I lack anger or indignation. Because Foxy did give me an invaluable gift.
The knowledge that I am good enough. To be nothing but myself. Our love affair was brief, passionate, and heart-breaking in the end. But, don't they make the best love stories anyway? Shakespeare wrote tragedies for a reason.
Foxy, you'll always hold a special place in my heart. Curse you for your happiness-driven, honorable ways.
How do I help someone understand why I love blues, jazz and soul, so so much? This type of music gets personal. It gets gritty, and sarcastic, and passionate, and seductive at times. It is exactly the roller coaster I want to ride.
I used to live in Utah, and I met someone there who proceeded to introduce me to Blues dancing. I just looked at her, bewilderment and gratitude swimming in my eyes, and stuttered to her, "this is a real thing?"
She just smiled, and began to teach me.
Thank you Laura.
I have since attempted to teach my husband how to dance to blues music, and he actually catches on pretty well. I'm grateful he tries, because it really is therapeutic for me.
If you are curious what blues dancing looks like, take a gander:
It is very much like a tango, but, just, so much more fun.
That being said and shown, here is a list of some really fantastic tracks. Blues, jazz, and fusion. For listening and dancing alike, in no particular order:
1. The Big Bang - Katy Tiz
2. My Boy Builds Coffins - Florence and the Machine (THIS version)
3. Sexy Silk - Jessie J
4. Grounds For Divorce - Elbow
5. Damn Your Eyes - Alex Clare
6. Skyfall - Madilyn Bailey
7. Volcano - Damien Rice
8. Poison - The Silent Comedy
9. Layla - Eric Clapton
10. Damn Right, I've Got The Blues - Buddy Guy
11. Til The Casket Drops - ZZ Ward
12. Bottom of the River - Delta Rae
13. Get Back Temptation - Ollabelle
14. Eyes On Fire - Zeds Dead RMX - Blue Foundation
15. Who Will Comfort Me - Melody Gardot
16. Broken - Lauren Hoffman
17. Got My Mojo Workin' - Asylum Street Spankers
18. Knockin' - Carolina Chocolate Drops
19. Really, any rendition of St. James Infirmary.
20. Black - Kari Kimmel
21. Feeling Good - Michael Buble
22. Relax My Beloved - Alex Clare
23. Dreaming With a Broken Heart - John Mayer
24. Cyclone - Ernie Halter
25. Bartholomew - The Silent Comedy
26. Cold Turkey - Anthony David
27. Breathe Me - Sia
28. Ain't No Sunshine - Lighthouse Family
29. My Discarded Men - Eartha Kitt
30. Summertime - Renee Olstead
31. Sinkin' Soon - Norah Jones
32. Inside Out - Imelda May
33. Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down) - Nancy Sinatra
34. Skin and Bones - David J. Roch
35. The Garden - Mirah
36. Come Together - Joe Cocker
37. Le Ballet - Celine Dion
38. Stay With Me Tonight - Emma Wallace
39. Blues 2.0 - Fruteland Jackson
40. Me and Mrs. Jones - Michael Buble
P.S. My ultimate favorite song to blues dance to is Slow Dancing in a Burning Room by John Mayer. Ugh. Perfection.
It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it does mean I inevitably disappoint myself frequently. But here is the thing, I know what I am capable of, and that is encouraging. Because I am capable of anything, honestly. I've seen myself do things I was certain would be impossible. This has made me far more daring, open, and passionate about my pursuits. So far, it's done nothing but good for me.
Here's hoping it continues.
I have hit a point in my life, where I stand on a precipice. Looking over the edge, I am greeted by a plethora of smells, sounds and feelings, but can not see the bottom. Only darkness. Do I jump into nothing, to possibly gain everything? Or am I too gullible to see the certain demise opening it's maw wide open to devour me? I can't stand here forever guys.
The thing is, turning away would go against the whispers of my heart. I can't leave these questions unanswered. If I fail and get burned, I know who will be there to bring me back.
So, that's what's been on my mind lately.
Times like these, I rediscover myself. We always think we have ourselves figured out, don't we? Will I ever really know what makes me tick? If I don't know, my husband doesn't have a prayer.
I've started to sing again. I forgot how I much I love it. Someone told me I sound like Norah Jones once. It might be one of the best compliments I have ever received. I doubt the truthfulness of it, but still. If beautiful, beautiful Norah and I were ever to meet, there's a conversation piece? I'd humiliate myself. Let's be honest.
I'm great at humiliating myself.
In other topics, it has come to my attention that I have, in fact, some semblance of a readership? My manager (Well, ex-manager, enjoy California, Josh. And your stupid beaches too.) told me the other day that he spent 3 hours reading my blog a couple weeks back? And then again, an old childhood friend confessed she follows my blog closely? Shucks, ya'll. I'm both flattered and self-conscious. What else is new.
I'm listening to some really fabulous music at the moment. For those of you who don't know, I have a very real, very serious love for blues music, blues dancing, soul, etc. Throwout to my husband, who was sweet enough to learn to blues dance for me. He claims he can't dance. But, oh. He can.
In any case, I am contemplating putting together a playlist and publishing TWO posts tonight. Because if you don't know blues music... you just, you should. That is all. Soothes my soul, period. If you have a soul, it will soothe yours too.
