Bullying: Stop It

There are a few things I have seen recently that have ignited some very intense feelings.

This article and this video.

Bullying has played a very profound role in my life, and I know firsthand how absolutely devastating the effects can be.  It can make you question everything; make you question yourself.  It makes you wonder if you deserve to be happy, when everyone else has decided you don't.  Few things offer up such misery as bullying.

If you look at where society is today, bullying is the easiest thing to do, and there are thousands of outlets to do it through.  The internet, texting, calling, physical violence, emotional manipulation, discrimination, blatant lack of support or encouragement, gossiping, judging, overstepping boundaries with malicious intent... I could go on for a long time, but we all understand the idea.

I was bullied for years before I finally was able to see the abuse for what it was.  I would tell myself that they were joking, and it was all in the name of humor.  I would tell myself they were my friends, or that I was simply not up to scratch with their superior charm and wit.  I was mistaken, dimwitted, part of the fun.  Whatever way I could rationalize things in order to feel like I was not a victim.

Because once you realize and accept what is going on, you can't take that realization back.

And oh, does it sting.

I was quite involved in school from a very young age.  Clubs, leadership positions, extra credit, teacher's pet.  I was bubbly and social and very willing to trust.  A complete open book.  From where I sat, I had done nothing to provoke an attack.

But isn't that often the case?  The attack strikes the one least prepared for it.

Even today, it is difficult for me to look back at ages 11-17 without a slightly bitter taste in my mouth.  Honestly, I don't know when that will go away.

What should be beautiful memories are tainted by feelings of discomfort and misunderstanding, as well as that unfair feeling of being judged prematurely.

All any kid wants at the time of their life is acceptance and reassurance that they are ok being who they are.  How often does that happen?

I could write a book, in all honesty, about heartwrenching memories of abuse and wrongdoings towards me in my adolescence.  But what would that accomplish?

I started typing this, unsure of what my ultimate goal was, but I think I know now.

I type this in the small, infinitesimal chance that someone out there will run into it and know they are NOT alone.

That all those people who whisper and giggle and torment in an effort to forget their own insecurities... they don't matter one bit.  That you, within your suffering, are capable of finding peace.  You have to know, that I know, that there is no such thing as a worthless person.  You are loved, and wanted and admired by someone.  You have talents the world can't wait to see, and you are going to make it.

Be patient, and kill them with kindness.  Because someday your abusers will have no choice but to see things as they are, and what will their eyes be opened to when that day comes?

Don't become one of them.

Don't cry, (although feel no shame when you can't help it), find your strength, and walk out that door without a care in the world.

I care so much about you, though I don't know you.  You are not the only one who suffers.  Remember you are NOT your insecurities.

I send you all my hugs.
And I do believe that it is possible
For the bullying to stop.

Blogtober Day 18: Nostalgic

I have been skipping down memory lane today, and I came across a few old photos that made me smile.  I thought instead of writing, I would post these pictures instead.

The first time I took Josh Blues Dancing

Getting ready to perform in the Dance festival 2010



EFY 2007 - Winning the dance contest!

Girl's Camp 2010 - Adult counselor

Gelato in Gyor

All my YW in Gyor, Hungary

Working at DQ, 2008

Winning Limbo at Exchange Student Orientation

Halloween with Barbs, 2009

Train Station with RYE Students

Trek in Wyoming, 2009



Denver Aquarium, Denver 2006 (I think)

The beloved Hippie van.  RIP.

Blogtober Day 9: The "I Miss You" List

I've lived in Arizona now for 815 days.  I actually did the math.  While this move has brought a lot of great things into my life, there are still those times that I long for.  More importantly, people.  Today seems to be one of those days.  So, here is the "I Miss You" list.

Emily "Hansel" Hansen
I haven't seen or spoken to you in years, literally.  Gosh, that makes me so sad.  I know our friendship will always be special, because no longer how much time passes between us, I know the next time I see you, nothing will have changed.  I will always love you like a sister.  I miss you terribly.  I want you to know I think about you every other day.  I hope you are safe and thriving and dong things that make you happy.  What I wouldn't give for one more night laying on our backs on the 50 yard line, staring at the starts and discussing anything and everything.  One more cheese pizza.  One more ridiculous road trip.  Someday, I hope. :)

Tana Lee
Literally, something happens every day I wish I could tell you about.  I know phones are a thing, but it's not the same.  Every day, I want to hear what you're doing.  Your victories and woes.  I want to take you shopping so we can decide what kind of day it is.  Even though every day is a Papaya day, let's just be honest.  I want to blues dance you to the moon and back.  I want to buy all the red vines I can carry and have a Harry Potter marathon that will last for days.  I want to stay up until 4 A.M. singing Wicked and talking about life in Talula.  I love you darling.  Please move down here.  Or heck, I'll move back to Utah if I have to... tempting...

Holli Pedersen Hill
When did we both get old and married?  Could you hurry up and get pregnant already?  I sort of need our children to be best friends.  I'm glad your man treats you so well.  You deserve it.  You are so strong and positive.  I miss that.  I need a little overdose of Holli peppy time.  I need to roll under the pool table and take stupid pictures and make a Walmart run and color and dance around to The Prince of Egypt.  If we ever live near each other again, we must double date.  Every day.  All day.  Forever.

MmmmBARBS
I prayed all my life for a big sister.  Now she lives all the way across the ocean.  Not cool.  It's so weird when you spend nearly every day with someone and then they are just gone.  No one else can appreciate new and improved changes in life.  No one loves Taylor Swift as much.  I still don't understand how you sound so American, but I decided it is because we are, in fact, blood relatives.  There's a kidnapping involved.  Really quite tragic.  I'll have to fill you in next time we Skype.  I love you. 

Kimberton
You're only my oldest friend ever.  I remember when we were both traipsing about in care bear underwear and stuffing our shirts with oranges.  What can I say?  We aim high.  You inspire me to be a better person.  To be kinder, think outside of the box, and stay true to myself.  I don't think anyone has quite as much blackmail on me... I trust you.  thanks for doing Blogtober with me, too.  It helps me stay on top of things.

Presli Hulet Stratton
WHY.  WHY are you SO FAR?!  Also, you are closer to those super fries, which is really unfair, for the record.  And you know what, take a tip from my note to Holli and get knocked up while you're at it.  Well... maybe wait a couple years.  Then we can maybe be preggers together, and you know that would be good times.  I'm glad you're happy, and successful, and beautiful, and perfect, and next time I see you... we need to go camping.

Mari
Ok, I know you want to kidnap my baby.  I might be ok with that if you would just come see me.  Brazil is far, to be fair, but I think we can agree... who cares?  There are a lot of cute guys up here (like, a LOT), and you can even search on chatroulette if you need to.  I'll make the hot chocolate.  We can even go play in the snow, I promise!  I hope you are happy, and I hope you are still playing the guitar and singing, because you are super talented.  Dave Days would be proud.

Jon, Cheryl, and CO.
BEST. FAMILY. EVER.  I had such a blast living with you guys!  I think about you all the time, and I miss you so much!  J'Nell, I hope driving is less scary!  You are so stinkin' beautiful!  Jake, I CAN'T BELIEVE you are already back!  I missed you man, so much.  Still the best Umbridge impression I've ever seen.  Maddi, how is your chinchilla?  And school?  I bet you are tearin' it up!  Connor, man!  Still able to kick my booty at Mario Kart?  We'll put it to the test next time I'm up there.  Cheryl, you are basically the most inspiring woman ever.  You are such a selfless wife and mother!  Let me cook you dinner next time I'm up in Orem.  Jon, you wilderness survivor, you.  Yukon Jon is pretty cool.  I miss the occasional dose of sarcastic wit you once supplied me with.  Keep being an amazing studly hubby and father!

MY family.
I know I talk to you all pretty frequently (or I try to at least), but just know I love you all so much, and it sucks being so far away.  Josh and Landon miss you too.  We will be up to visit as soon as possible.  I can't wait to meet Peter and Lily!  I want to see how much Becca is growing!  I need to reassure Camille that there is life past high school.  I need to nuzzle Mom and spin in a circle.  I need Dad to tell me one more time how complicated my adoption was.  I NEED to meet my sister-in-law, Lorraine, and see my cuh-razy brother Paul. :)  Andrea needs to cook me something, and Jon needs to tease me forever.  Brian and Sarah need to have a night out.  I'll watch the chillens! 

Ugh, look at me.  Nostalgic much?  I need to go do something else.

I Say Things.

Ladies, never base the decision to move on a boy.
It makes it difficult to ever regain a social life.

I moved to Arizona a little over 2 years ago from Utah for the sole purpose of marrying my soul mate, and hey, it did actually work out for me.  But let me tell ya, I didn't realize some of the side affects.

Mainly the one where socially... I am now a square peg in a round hole.

Let me be clear, I made the right decision.  Just that picking up everything for one person is a lot.

I had a really solid group of friends I saw daily before moving.  Not exaggerating.  We were inseparable.

A Fearsome Threesome

In fact, I was quite the social butterfly in Utah.  The person who somehow has a thing every night.  Always somewhere to be.  I liked staying busy.  I liked feeling like I was experiencing a lot.

But somehow after 2 years, I have not made a single friend in AZ. 

#feelingpathetic

And maybe I am at the point where desperation has punched reason out the window.

Because, see, I am a pretty open person by nature.  I make weird confessions, am overly sarcastic, have no athletic skill, and laugh at inappropriate things.

And up until now, I didn't realize that not everyone shares in my enthusiasms.
Go figure.

I've met some perfectly pleasant people.  But it doesn't take long before something I do/say receives the "let's pretend that didn't happen" look.
I am having issues moving past the acquaintance phase.

But maybe there is hope.  I decided to overcome what has become a near phobia of friendship attempts, and invite a girl I know to see a movie with me.

The evening went pretty well.  I think I kept my embarrassing/overly revealing confessions to a minimum, and managed to keep all inappropriate/sex puns and jokes out of the conversation.  We giggled a lot, which was nice.  Genuine giggles, no courtesy laughs (I hope).

And then... the end of our evening arrived, and we were winding down the conversation, and it went sort of like this:

B:  This was really fun!  We should hang out more.
J:  Ahaha, be careful, an offer like that I would be tempted to take advantage of.
B: That's fine with me!
J: I'm just going to constantly harass you now...

I'm just going to constantly harass you now.

Ah, and it was going so well.
She did smile though, which reassured me she doesn't think I'm a creeper.

I call that friend potential. :)
Watch out world.
I'm making social advances.