Why Are Emotions So Stupid?

Blog, sometimes I get caught up, and forget you exist.  Forgive me?  I will always come back, I promise.

I always wanted to start a blog with personal intentions.  Just a private home among the constant thrum of the internet that would be privy to my mind, and could offer a semblance of sanctuary.  Maybe I should get back to that.

My mind needs a sanctuary.

Which is why I've decided to make it a little more private.  I have always been able to express myself through writing much better than speaking, and I know it might also make sense to just keep this blog to myself... but I just feel like maybe that is my problem.  Maybe I try to hard to shut certain parts of myself up.  Theories.

So I now find myself going back to the original blog I always wanted.  Personal, flawed, and sharable with a small audience.  Yes, I do like it better this way.

My life right now I feel is so full of Pros and Cons, but still feels so jumbled.  Maybe I should try to separate the positive and negative.  Bad stuff first.  I'd rather end on a good note.

LIFE CONS
I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.  First the flu, then a cold, now my allergies are on the fritz.  I am also really dehydrated, and that means every time I stand up, little black spots keep obscuring my vision.  So I am sitting here with a water bottle, drinking until I hate it, and praying Landon does not wake up anytime soon.  Really though, this has been going on for days, and I just want to feel normal.  I even had to leave work early on Saturday because I could hardly stand.

And speaking of work... anyone ever work retail?  I have been with my job for 2 years now (props for that though.  That is the longest I have been anywhere!), and I like it infinitely less than I did when I started.  No matter how many of us "oldies" there are, the New Person turnover keeps rotating, exhausting us all with newer and newer less capable people to teach.  Most days I just take it upon myself to get a good job done, and shut out the stupidity.  Customers are rude, hours are long, and breaks are few.  But what choice do I have?  My boys have to eat, and bills gotta get paid.

And I have grown to hate that feeling.  The feeling that as much as I hate certain aspects of my life right now, they are not very changeable, because everything that is happening is necessary to progress to the next step.  Who could have known how far apart those steps would be?

I hate living in The Cave.  That is what I call it in my mind.  Because that is exactly what it is.  I live in a basement apartment with a single window that barely illuminates one room.  For a girl who often struggles with depression, it is not the most opportune living arrangement.  But it is the cheapest one, which often settles any decision.

I hate not being able to be a full time student, as I always pictured myself being at this point in my life.  I hate having to wait to pursue the dream I have only had since I was 7.  All that is available to me right now is maybe, maybe 1 online class at a time.

I despise the fact that money runs the world.

I hate being so far away from my family, because as much as you love people, distance always puts a strain on a relationship.  I feel like some of those relationships are now infinitely more awkward and silent judgments are being passed.  Maybe that is part of what happens as a family grows up and gets married and whatnot.  I don't know.  But none of us are exactly the same, and that should just be ok.  I don't like the feeling that my standards of living are not up to par with other members of the family, when I think we are doing just fine.  You know what it feels like sometimes?  It feels like I am in an art class, and I am working on this painting that is a little different from the other student's work.  Then the teacher walks by and sometimes he says something like, "that is an interesting way to paint that, but let me show you why it is wrong." OR the teacher walks by and shakes his head without saying anything, and makes some sort of dissatisfied noise.  And I can feel the disapproval oozing all the way from his desk.  It seems like once one issue gets resolved, another is bubbling at the surface.  It is hard because I just remember simpler times, when family discomfort just meant that Jon had been teasing me again.

I don't think I realized how much that was bothering me until now.

And I don't know if there is a solution for that one because if someone opts out of chiming in, I'll just know they are disapproving inside their heads anyway.

Maybe.  Ugh.  I don't know.

I mean, I'm not trying to slam my family.  I think they are all perfectly wonderful.  I would just like to be accepted for my differences of living.  It's not like my lifestyle is all that drastically different.

I dunno, I do not mean for this to become a whole post about my deep-seated family insecurity issues.

It's just that, I was raised in a pretty strict, proper home compared to most kids.  Even kids that were the same religion as me.  But now I am grown up, and I think it is my turn to decide what is ok for my family.  And so far, I think I am doing a great job, honestly.  I just don't always think everyone is of that same opinion.

And that's enough of that.

I also struggle on and off with my anxiety and depression, and lately my anxiety has been eeking into my social perceptions, and it is really annoying!  I haven't even been taking my birth control as regularly as I probably should, because when I am on it, my depression feels worse.  Is it bad for me to want to be happy?  It is just hard to take it knowing how much harder it will be to fight those feelings.  I should get it figured out though.  Sometimes I just feel despondent.  I guess I would like to feel clear-headed and healthy.  Currently, that is what I am aiming for.

LIFE PROS

My husband is the bomb, and supports me through everything.  I know there are times where it is really difficult for him to understand why or what I am feeling, but he tries anyway.  He is such a good father, and it is like, my favorite thing to watch.  He works so hard so I don't have to work (as much) and has this borderline annoying happy-no-matter-what attitude that luckily, gets infectious.  He is flying through his schooling the best he can, so that I can have my shot at it, and he is doing SO WELL.  He will be transferring to ASU in the fall, so that means we can move OUT of The Cave, and somewhere with more light and life to be had.  Watching him succeed motivates me more than anything.

My son is honestly, a pretty easy kid, and the older and more interactive he gets, the closer our relationship is, and I love having that connection with him.  At least, even if I fail everything else, I can know I am a great mom, and that he loves me unconditionally.  For now at least.  Wait until he is old enough for chores.  Then we'll talk.  LOL.

I have my little sister coming to visit me for a week this month, and I think that will be good for both of us.  She is graduating high school (ugh, how does that happen?) soon and I am glad to spend time with her before she flies out into the big wide world.  And at the end of the month, I get to spend a few days with (almost) the whole rest of my family, and I think that will give our distance-strained relationships some relief.  When it comes down to it, I love my family more than anything, and I know they love me too.  I feel blessed to have the one I do, and I think we are just a family that is still learning what it means to form our own units.  I also have a new niece and nephew to meet!  Ooooh the baby fever is bad some days, guys.

I guess I will count that as a pro.  I have baby fever, and were it not for living costs and ... ok pretty much money in general, we would be on our way to popping out another one as far as I am concerned.  But since we can not even think about it right now, I use it as motivation to get to a place where we can.  Until then we are taking plenty of precautions. LOL (My spotty use of birth control has been reinforced, so trust me, we are good.)

I get to teach a class two Thursdays from now to a group of women about the importance of choosing happiness.  Sometimes I wonder how qualified I am to speak on that topic, but I think it is a lesson that I myself need to adhere to.  Maybe this lesson will be more for my benefit, but maybe that is ok.  I am having a lot of fun doing the research for it, and maybe it will turn out.

I also am having the time of my life researching/writing my book, and I love it so much.  For now, that is my second baby. :)

Well, my water bottle is empty, and my head feels slightly better.

I have high hopes that today will be a good one.