Why Are Emotions So Stupid?

Blog, sometimes I get caught up, and forget you exist.  Forgive me?  I will always come back, I promise.

I always wanted to start a blog with personal intentions.  Just a private home among the constant thrum of the internet that would be privy to my mind, and could offer a semblance of sanctuary.  Maybe I should get back to that.

My mind needs a sanctuary.

Which is why I've decided to make it a little more private.  I have always been able to express myself through writing much better than speaking, and I know it might also make sense to just keep this blog to myself... but I just feel like maybe that is my problem.  Maybe I try to hard to shut certain parts of myself up.  Theories.

So I now find myself going back to the original blog I always wanted.  Personal, flawed, and sharable with a small audience.  Yes, I do like it better this way.

My life right now I feel is so full of Pros and Cons, but still feels so jumbled.  Maybe I should try to separate the positive and negative.  Bad stuff first.  I'd rather end on a good note.

LIFE CONS
I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.  First the flu, then a cold, now my allergies are on the fritz.  I am also really dehydrated, and that means every time I stand up, little black spots keep obscuring my vision.  So I am sitting here with a water bottle, drinking until I hate it, and praying Landon does not wake up anytime soon.  Really though, this has been going on for days, and I just want to feel normal.  I even had to leave work early on Saturday because I could hardly stand.

And speaking of work... anyone ever work retail?  I have been with my job for 2 years now (props for that though.  That is the longest I have been anywhere!), and I like it infinitely less than I did when I started.  No matter how many of us "oldies" there are, the New Person turnover keeps rotating, exhausting us all with newer and newer less capable people to teach.  Most days I just take it upon myself to get a good job done, and shut out the stupidity.  Customers are rude, hours are long, and breaks are few.  But what choice do I have?  My boys have to eat, and bills gotta get paid.

And I have grown to hate that feeling.  The feeling that as much as I hate certain aspects of my life right now, they are not very changeable, because everything that is happening is necessary to progress to the next step.  Who could have known how far apart those steps would be?

I hate living in The Cave.  That is what I call it in my mind.  Because that is exactly what it is.  I live in a basement apartment with a single window that barely illuminates one room.  For a girl who often struggles with depression, it is not the most opportune living arrangement.  But it is the cheapest one, which often settles any decision.

I hate not being able to be a full time student, as I always pictured myself being at this point in my life.  I hate having to wait to pursue the dream I have only had since I was 7.  All that is available to me right now is maybe, maybe 1 online class at a time.

I despise the fact that money runs the world.

I hate being so far away from my family, because as much as you love people, distance always puts a strain on a relationship.  I feel like some of those relationships are now infinitely more awkward and silent judgments are being passed.  Maybe that is part of what happens as a family grows up and gets married and whatnot.  I don't know.  But none of us are exactly the same, and that should just be ok.  I don't like the feeling that my standards of living are not up to par with other members of the family, when I think we are doing just fine.  You know what it feels like sometimes?  It feels like I am in an art class, and I am working on this painting that is a little different from the other student's work.  Then the teacher walks by and sometimes he says something like, "that is an interesting way to paint that, but let me show you why it is wrong." OR the teacher walks by and shakes his head without saying anything, and makes some sort of dissatisfied noise.  And I can feel the disapproval oozing all the way from his desk.  It seems like once one issue gets resolved, another is bubbling at the surface.  It is hard because I just remember simpler times, when family discomfort just meant that Jon had been teasing me again.

I don't think I realized how much that was bothering me until now.

And I don't know if there is a solution for that one because if someone opts out of chiming in, I'll just know they are disapproving inside their heads anyway.

Maybe.  Ugh.  I don't know.

I mean, I'm not trying to slam my family.  I think they are all perfectly wonderful.  I would just like to be accepted for my differences of living.  It's not like my lifestyle is all that drastically different.

I dunno, I do not mean for this to become a whole post about my deep-seated family insecurity issues.

It's just that, I was raised in a pretty strict, proper home compared to most kids.  Even kids that were the same religion as me.  But now I am grown up, and I think it is my turn to decide what is ok for my family.  And so far, I think I am doing a great job, honestly.  I just don't always think everyone is of that same opinion.

And that's enough of that.

I also struggle on and off with my anxiety and depression, and lately my anxiety has been eeking into my social perceptions, and it is really annoying!  I haven't even been taking my birth control as regularly as I probably should, because when I am on it, my depression feels worse.  Is it bad for me to want to be happy?  It is just hard to take it knowing how much harder it will be to fight those feelings.  I should get it figured out though.  Sometimes I just feel despondent.  I guess I would like to feel clear-headed and healthy.  Currently, that is what I am aiming for.

LIFE PROS

My husband is the bomb, and supports me through everything.  I know there are times where it is really difficult for him to understand why or what I am feeling, but he tries anyway.  He is such a good father, and it is like, my favorite thing to watch.  He works so hard so I don't have to work (as much) and has this borderline annoying happy-no-matter-what attitude that luckily, gets infectious.  He is flying through his schooling the best he can, so that I can have my shot at it, and he is doing SO WELL.  He will be transferring to ASU in the fall, so that means we can move OUT of The Cave, and somewhere with more light and life to be had.  Watching him succeed motivates me more than anything.

My son is honestly, a pretty easy kid, and the older and more interactive he gets, the closer our relationship is, and I love having that connection with him.  At least, even if I fail everything else, I can know I am a great mom, and that he loves me unconditionally.  For now at least.  Wait until he is old enough for chores.  Then we'll talk.  LOL.

I have my little sister coming to visit me for a week this month, and I think that will be good for both of us.  She is graduating high school (ugh, how does that happen?) soon and I am glad to spend time with her before she flies out into the big wide world.  And at the end of the month, I get to spend a few days with (almost) the whole rest of my family, and I think that will give our distance-strained relationships some relief.  When it comes down to it, I love my family more than anything, and I know they love me too.  I feel blessed to have the one I do, and I think we are just a family that is still learning what it means to form our own units.  I also have a new niece and nephew to meet!  Ooooh the baby fever is bad some days, guys.

I guess I will count that as a pro.  I have baby fever, and were it not for living costs and ... ok pretty much money in general, we would be on our way to popping out another one as far as I am concerned.  But since we can not even think about it right now, I use it as motivation to get to a place where we can.  Until then we are taking plenty of precautions. LOL (My spotty use of birth control has been reinforced, so trust me, we are good.)

I get to teach a class two Thursdays from now to a group of women about the importance of choosing happiness.  Sometimes I wonder how qualified I am to speak on that topic, but I think it is a lesson that I myself need to adhere to.  Maybe this lesson will be more for my benefit, but maybe that is ok.  I am having a lot of fun doing the research for it, and maybe it will turn out.

I also am having the time of my life researching/writing my book, and I love it so much.  For now, that is my second baby. :)

Well, my water bottle is empty, and my head feels slightly better.

I have high hopes that today will be a good one.

Back From Vacation

Hello, there.

After posting daily for a whole month, it was pretty fantastic to take a breather on the blog and focus all my writing energy on my book instead.  The book is, by the way, coming along quite swimmingly.  In fact, I'm convinced I might even finish it before I die.

Maybe.

But blogging does give me a different sort of satisfaction, so I will try not to leave you again for so long.

It's late, honestly.  I keep asking myself why I'm not snuggled in bed.  I guess it's just so quiet...

Except for my son whimpering in the next room... hold on...

Ah, better.  And all is well again.

I suppose I could simply offer an update on myself and life and whatnot.

My depression has been kicking me in the butt the last couple of weeks.  Granted it was, uh, time for my "visit" and I may have forgotten to take my meds a couple days in a row (5.  5 days.  Oops.), but now that I'm back on track I hope I can regain some sense of sanity.

Wait... baby whimpering again... no... ok.

Poor kid.  I hope he isn't having a nightmare.
That's my thing, usually.

If you know me, and have seen me lately yawning like an abyss or looking so dead-eyed I actually could be dead... It's because of the nightmares.  And the depressive moments, and the not-getting-enough-sleep.   Mostly that last one.

It'll pass.  The holiday season is upon us, and I happen to be a notorious Christmas freak.

I mean it, I started listening to Christmas music... long before most of you would deem acceptable.  I kind of take pride in it.  Just a little.

If I ever do have a house someday, I swear to you, I will be that crazy neighbor with a musically timed Christmas light show in her front yard.  I will be the lady who cranks out 1,000 boxes of sugar cookies in a day, and hand them out like the delicious commodities they are.  I absolutely will be the lady who will stage an elaborate visit from Santa for my kids long after they are old enough to know "the truth."

Also, not to brag, but I am pretty much done with my Christmas shopping.  I even got Josh his anniversary gift already, which is a week before Christmas.  So... I rock, basically.

Well, I think my brain is finally deciding to relax for the evening, so I am going to head to bed before I lose this precious moment of clarity.

Good night.

Blogtober Day 14: I Just Wanted To Write A Poem

I wanted to write a poem today, but it was more difficult than I expected.  Not the poetry, but the subject matter.  So perhaps I will let the words run themselves.

I wish mental illness was better understood. 

I grew up in a small town, and most people there had the perspective that mental illness = crazy.  If you had depression, you must be suicidal.  If you had insomnia, you must never sleep.  Schizophrenia?  You should probably be put away forever.

Really, though.

Mental illnesses are not the result of personal weakness, lack of character, or poor upbringing.  They are 100% treatable, and fluctuate from minor to major symptoms.

I hoped that in this big wide world, there would be a greater understanding when I left that small town.  Unfortunately there is still a disappointing lack of comprehension.  I get it.  Everyone has their own demons.  Maybe we get so preoccupied with our own, we forget that ours is not a singular battle.  It's merely one confrontation among a war.

A lot of people don't realize they are fighting that battle until it reaches it painful point. 

For example, Depression.  It is not a weakness, but an actual illness.  It has ramifications biologically, socially, and psychologically.  A person can not simply will it away.  Untreated, it will inevitably worsen, and under treated, it will return.

Or another (more common than you think) illness: Schizophrenia.  More than 2 million people alone suffer from this disease in the United States alone.  There are many different types, with multiple levels of severity.  A good number of Schizophrenics disinterested and withdrawn, maybe with disorganized speech or habits.

I feel like if there was a larger emphasis placed on the understanding of mental illnesses, the world would be much better.  On average, 1 in 4 people suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder.  1 in 4!  Basically 25% of the planet.  How much farther could we progress, if those who struggle feel more understood and supported?

I have dealt with intense anxiety for years, and only recently did I attempt to investigate my actual status.  Only when things came to a point when my self-worth was at an all-time low.  As soon as the word depression was applied to me, I did a lot of research on the matter.  So much of what I read made so much sense.  I felt a little more at peace, and I had a much better point of view as far as what I am up against.

For my LDS buddies, Elder Holland spoke about this in Conference last weekend, and I feel it was for a very good reason. 

I have good days and bad days.  These are my battles to face.  Sometimes I have help, and others I must do it alone.  Those are more scary.  But I can do it.

If you are also struggling, please know that you can do it.  I have so much faith in you.  Remember to have faith in yourself.  The pain you feel now is nothing compared to the good you are fighting for.  For every dark moment, there is a blissful relief coming.  Don't give up.  Promise me.  Ok?

This week, I challenge all of you to take just a little time and do a little reading.  You might think you aren't involved in any of this, but I guarantee someone you love is.

Here are some websites I have found informative and helpful.
NAMI
Depression in a Marriage
This blog is PHENOMENAL for mothers & women:
Honest Mom
How YOU can help:
Help A Loved One

Just keep swimming. :)

Speak Out.

So I don't know how I feel about writing this post.
Because no matter what it is going to come across as really apathetic and saddish.
Bwlegh.

That is actually the sound I just made.

The problem is, this post involves confessions and a slight baring of the soul.  Which is hard to do.  But I am a writer, so like it or not, it is something my craft demands.  Just usually, I use other characters to tell my secrets, and this is so uh, blunt.

I just, I don't want pity.  Or sympathy.  Or people to treat me like I have "fragile" tape plastered all over my body.

I just hear that being open is the first step.  Not keeping it to myself.  Which I've been doing for a while.

So I have depression.
Had it for a while now, in fact.

Damn Darn, that's so embarrassing.

But I guess knowing why I have been feeling the way I have, it's helpful.

I admire those who battle this disease with such gusto, such energy, that you never doubt they will conquer it in the end.  I want to be one of those.

How do I explain it though?  Depression is not sadness.  It is a concentrated attack on your self esteem.  On your confidence and self-worth.  You just feel like hope is lost sometimes.  And everyone, depressed or not, feels that at some point, I think.  But my depression causes those feelings to be felt more acutely; it prolongs them.  Genuinely it is hard to remember that I have so many things to be immeasurably happy about.

Believe me, there are so many things.

And every day that passes gives me a greater capacity to confront myself and conquer my demons.

I have help :)  (That means my husband is the coolest.  For those who aren't fluent in sappy.)

And for those of you who also suffer what my head refers to as "The Great Struggle", keep going.  I'm rooting for you.  You're happier than you think.  Better than you know.  Keep putting on that smile, and even if it's fake sometimes, it will become genuine.  Promise.

I can honestly say, today I'm happy.

And my readers?  Really, don't be afraid to shake me up a bit.  No fragile tape, remember?

"The habit of being happy enables one to be freed, or largely freed, from the domination of outward conditions." -Robert Louis Stevenson