Speak Out.

So I don't know how I feel about writing this post.
Because no matter what it is going to come across as really apathetic and saddish.
Bwlegh.

That is actually the sound I just made.

The problem is, this post involves confessions and a slight baring of the soul.  Which is hard to do.  But I am a writer, so like it or not, it is something my craft demands.  Just usually, I use other characters to tell my secrets, and this is so uh, blunt.

I just, I don't want pity.  Or sympathy.  Or people to treat me like I have "fragile" tape plastered all over my body.

I just hear that being open is the first step.  Not keeping it to myself.  Which I've been doing for a while.

So I have depression.
Had it for a while now, in fact.

Damn Darn, that's so embarrassing.

But I guess knowing why I have been feeling the way I have, it's helpful.

I admire those who battle this disease with such gusto, such energy, that you never doubt they will conquer it in the end.  I want to be one of those.

How do I explain it though?  Depression is not sadness.  It is a concentrated attack on your self esteem.  On your confidence and self-worth.  You just feel like hope is lost sometimes.  And everyone, depressed or not, feels that at some point, I think.  But my depression causes those feelings to be felt more acutely; it prolongs them.  Genuinely it is hard to remember that I have so many things to be immeasurably happy about.

Believe me, there are so many things.

And every day that passes gives me a greater capacity to confront myself and conquer my demons.

I have help :)  (That means my husband is the coolest.  For those who aren't fluent in sappy.)

And for those of you who also suffer what my head refers to as "The Great Struggle", keep going.  I'm rooting for you.  You're happier than you think.  Better than you know.  Keep putting on that smile, and even if it's fake sometimes, it will become genuine.  Promise.

I can honestly say, today I'm happy.

And my readers?  Really, don't be afraid to shake me up a bit.  No fragile tape, remember?

"The habit of being happy enables one to be freed, or largely freed, from the domination of outward conditions." -Robert Louis Stevenson