2014

Why hello blog, we haven't spoken in a while.

The year is almost over, and I'm pleased to discover that I'm pretty excited about that!

New Year's has long been my favorite holiday, and for some that seems strange, given that we just had Thanksgiving and Christmas (also awesome).  It's just that, well, there are few things in life I love more than a clean slate.  And not just that, but an opportunity for change.  For improvement.  For adventure.  I am quite fond of all those things.

One of my favorite books, Anne of Green Gables, says: "Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it."

But I often recite it to myself with a little revision: "Tomorrow is always fresh, with every opportunity in it."

And this, friends, is why I am excited for this new year.

I know for many, New Year's is a time of revision, repentance, and hopeful do-overs.  But at this point in my life, I find that idea pessimistic.  I think that too often, we sit and mourn all of the things that went wrong, and say, "next time I'll do __".

For me, that has never yielded the best results.  I've found that if I set a goal while pledging to right a wrong I've committed, or fix a flaw, I focus too much on the mistake.  I then get discouraged, lose hope, and go back to old habits.

In reality, there is nothing wrong with you.  Just be a better version of yourself.

There is an idea that in order to be happy, we must change who we are.  I disagree.  I think that happiness comes when we accept who we are, and then set out to perfect that person.

That is what my hope for this year is.

Blogtober Day 28: Imagination

Growing up, I was taught various virtues of the sort I'm sure every child is introduced to.

Kindness, Patience, Cleanliness, Honesty, etc.

I've always thought we were missing one that is all too important to children and adults alike.

Imagination

It is easy enough to maintain when you are young.  I remember spending countless hours building forts that were really palaces, and traversing jungles that sprouted up in my backyard.  I had my own little dreamworld that I visited constantly.  That dreamworld was as real to me as anything else.

Now that I'm older, I forget how long it has been since I visited.  A fact that saddens me.

I understand that, as we get older, reality offers more pressing needs than those dreamworlds.  But do we have to forsake them all together? 

One night, months ago, when my depression was hitting me hard, my husband wrapped me up in a blanket, held me tight, and asked what he could do.  The first thing I blurted out desperately was, "tell me something happy."

Then we escaped together, he and I.  Just for a few minutes.  Suddenly we had a big, beautiful house.  I wish you could have seen it.  It was everything we dreamed of.  Lots of windows, too.  Green yard, lots of flowers.  We had a few children running around, each a better reflection of us, with smiles and laughs that spread easily.  There was a room tucked away with all kinds of pretty things to look at, and a typewriter.  I could stow away there are write all day if I wanted to.  We had food to eat, and pretty clothes, and our children attended Hogwarts.

Maybe it sounds silly, but as Josh painted that picture for me, everything made sense again.  It isn't that I forgot what made me sad in the first place.  It is that I remembered how to make myself happy.

Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake.
-Henry David Thoreau

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
-Mark Twain

An idea is salvation by imagination.
-Frank Lloyd Wright

Of course it is happening inside your head... but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?
-J.K. Rowling

Blogtober Day 20: I Wish

There are days that I wish I could put in a box and never have to look at again.  I have caught myself all too many times uttering the phrase, "I wish."  I wish these dishes would do themselves.  I wish Josh would be home from work already.  I wish Landon could understand when I ask him to stay out of the cabinets.  I wish I was a better cook.  I wish I was so socially awkward sometimes.  I wish...

What is a wish, really though?  At first I think maybe it is just hope.  But that doesn't seem right.  Hope is putting faith in something that is possible.  Difficult perhaps, yes.  But possible.  Dishes do not simply jump up and scrub themselves.  So I may as well leave hope out of the mix. 

Wish is more synonymous with want.

If I replace the word wish with the word want in the previous phrases... I realize how petty I sound.

Anyone else feel guilty of this sometimes?

I am so focused on what I don't have, I forget what I do.  It isn't just about possessions or responsibilities.  I also find myself wondering what if?

What if I made a little more money?  What if I lived somewhere else?  What if my son had come later?

This is just as pointless as I wish because what if is equally hypothetical.

There is a quote from Lord of the Rings that sums up my feelings on those stuff-them-in-a-box days.

Frodo says, "I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened."

And Gandalf replies, "So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring. In which case, you were also meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought."

I believe there is a lot of truth in that.  Perhaps the road I find myself on was meant for me alone.  No one else could travel it.  Instead of lamenting my fate, I should be more encouraged that I was chosen for these tasks.  It could be worse, and it could be easier.  That is not the issue.  The issue comes from within.