It's Not You...

Unemployment.  Yeck.

Yes, I've got my blues music playing.  I get at least 1 day to wallow in self-pity.  And it is 11 o'clock.  So I still have one hour to go.  Then pity party over.

*Sigh* - and I didn't even get balloons.

I got dumped guys, and I won't pretend it didn't sting a bit.  Let me explain this in traditional Jessica style.

Foxy* and Jessica - A Love Story

(*name totally changed)

Foxy and I had a great relationship from the start.  He offered me all the riches and comforts I desired, and praised me for my every quality.  I was so smart, witty, confident, charismatic, capable.  Foxy, well, so was he.  I dove in with all the passion of a new love.  Every hour I spent with Foxy was like a missing puzzle piece I had finally found.  There was a completeness and driving momentum to make it even better.  And in the beginning, we excelled with one another.

Of course Foxy had flaws, the same as I did.  But I think in the beginning, we both did not care to see them in each other.  We were made for each other it seemed, why ruin a good thing?  Doubts formed, and were just as swiftly brushed aside.  I guess I should have listened.  The signs were there.

Foxy and I had an open relationship, I guess you could say.  It didn't mind sharing.  In fact, I felt included in a family of sorts.  Foxy couldn't help it, he was so easy to love.  People were drawn to him.

Foxy was warm, accepting.  You'd never have thought he was capable of turning someone away.

But this morning, Foxy looked me right in the eye, and told me I was perfect, but not perfect enough.  I felt my mind go numb, and the contradictions flew left and right.  But I didn't know how to form the sentences.  I couldn't even be mad.  Even in rejecting me, Foxy managed to make me feel loved.  If you've never experienced a confusing emotion, try that sucker on for size.

And even now, now that I have been able to process and adapt.  Now I lack anger or indignation.  Because Foxy did give me an invaluable gift.

The knowledge that I am good enough.  To be nothing but myself.  Our love affair was brief, passionate, and heart-breaking in the end.  But, don't they make the best love stories anyway?  Shakespeare wrote tragedies for a reason.

Foxy, you'll always hold a special place in my heart.  Curse you for your happiness-driven, honorable ways.

And that will be that, with that.

If You Don't Like Blues Music, You're Wrong

How do I help someone understand why I love blues, jazz and soul, so so much?  This type of music gets personal.  It gets gritty, and sarcastic, and passionate, and seductive at times.  It is exactly the roller coaster I want to ride.

I used to live in Utah, and I met someone there who proceeded to introduce me to Blues dancing.  I just looked at her, bewilderment and gratitude swimming in my eyes, and stuttered to her, "this is a real thing?"

She just smiled, and began to teach me.

Thank you Laura.

I have since attempted to teach my husband how to dance to blues music, and he actually catches on pretty well.  I'm grateful he tries, because it really is therapeutic for me.

If you are curious what blues dancing looks like, take a gander:

It is very much like a tango, but, just, so much more fun.

That being said and shown, here is a list of some really fantastic tracks.  Blues, jazz, and fusion.  For listening and dancing alike, in no particular order:


1. The Big Bang - Katy Tiz
2. My Boy Builds Coffins - Florence and the Machine (THIS version)
3. Sexy Silk - Jessie J
4. Grounds For Divorce - Elbow
5. Damn Your Eyes - Alex Clare
6. Skyfall - Madilyn Bailey
7. Volcano - Damien Rice
8. Poison - The Silent Comedy
9. Layla - Eric Clapton
10. Damn Right, I've Got The Blues - Buddy Guy
11. Til The Casket Drops - ZZ Ward
12. Bottom of the River - Delta Rae
13. Get Back Temptation - Ollabelle
14. Eyes On Fire - Zeds Dead RMX - Blue Foundation
15. Who Will Comfort Me - Melody Gardot
16. Broken - Lauren Hoffman
17. Got My Mojo Workin' - Asylum Street Spankers
18. Knockin' - Carolina Chocolate Drops
19. Really, any rendition of St. James Infirmary.
20. Black - Kari Kimmel
21. Feeling Good - Michael Buble
22. Relax My Beloved - Alex Clare
23. Dreaming With a Broken Heart - John Mayer
24. Cyclone - Ernie Halter
25. Bartholomew - The Silent Comedy
26. Cold Turkey - Anthony David
27. Breathe Me - Sia
28. Ain't No Sunshine - Lighthouse Family
29. My Discarded Men - Eartha Kitt
30. Summertime - Renee Olstead
31. Sinkin' Soon - Norah Jones
32. Inside Out - Imelda May
33. Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down) - Nancy Sinatra
34. Skin and Bones - David J. Roch
35. The Garden - Mirah
36. Come Together - Joe Cocker
37. Le Ballet - Celine Dion
38. Stay With Me Tonight - Emma Wallace
39. Blues 2.0 - Fruteland Jackson
40. Me and Mrs. Jones - Michael Buble

P.S. My ultimate favorite song to blues dance to is Slow Dancing in a Burning Room by John Mayer.  Ugh.  Perfection.

Prove You Wrong

I expect a lot of myself.  I mean, a lot.

It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it does mean I inevitably disappoint myself frequently.  But here is the thing, I know what I am capable of, and that is encouraging.  Because I am capable of anything, honestly.  I've seen myself do things I was certain would be impossible.  This has made me far more daring, open, and passionate about my pursuits.  So far, it's done nothing but good for me.

Here's hoping it continues.

I have hit a point in my life, where I stand on a precipice.  Looking over the edge, I am greeted by a plethora of smells, sounds and feelings, but can not see the bottom.  Only darkness.  Do I jump into nothing, to possibly gain everything?  Or am I too gullible to see the certain demise opening it's maw wide open to devour me?  I can't stand here forever guys.  

The thing is, turning away would go against the whispers of my heart.  I can't leave these questions unanswered.  If I fail and get burned, I know who will be there to bring me back.

So, that's what's been on my mind lately.

Times like these, I rediscover myself.  We always think we have ourselves figured out, don't we?  Will I ever really know what makes me tick?  If I don't know, my husband doesn't have a prayer.

I've started to sing again.  I forgot how I much I love it.  Someone told me I sound like Norah Jones once.  It might be one of the best compliments I have ever received.  I doubt the truthfulness of it, but still.  If beautiful, beautiful Norah and I were ever to meet, there's a conversation piece?  I'd humiliate myself.  Let's be honest.

I'm great at humiliating myself.

In other topics, it has come to my attention that I have, in fact, some semblance of a readership?  My manager (Well, ex-manager, enjoy California, Josh.  And your stupid beaches too.) told me the other day that he spent 3 hours reading my blog a couple weeks back?  And then again, an old childhood friend confessed she follows my blog closely?  Shucks, ya'll.  I'm both flattered and self-conscious.  What else is new.

I'm listening to some really fabulous music at the moment.  For those of you who don't know, I have a very real, very serious love for blues music, blues dancing, soul, etc.  Throwout to my husband, who was sweet enough to learn to blues dance for me.  He claims he can't dance.  But, oh.  He can.

In any case, I am contemplating putting together a playlist and publishing TWO posts tonight.  Because if you don't know blues music... you just, you should.  That is all.  Soothes my soul, period.  If you have a soul, it will soothe yours too.

Oh, I'll probably be back.

Stay riveted.

You Win Some, You Give Up Some, You Love More.

Here you go
All alone,
Making butterflies show
First it's slow.

Then you take my hand,
Let me cry,
Flick the insecurities off my shoulder.
You smell nice,
And your chest is warm.
And your heartbeat speaks to me.

Oh darling, it's been a long day.
We work too hard
Didn't we have dreams?
Still there, tucked in the corner.
In a box that whispers at night.

You tell me we can open it anytime.
I can do anything,
Or so you insist.

I can't hide the grins.
They fight for control of my features.

My lips taste salty, but now somehow sweeter.

Fingers twist my hair,
Soft forehead kisses.
You gently promise the world
With every intention of delivering.

I am selfish, for needing you so.
You know I am selfish, but pretend I am a saint.
What a nice gesture.

Your cheeks poke mine.  Little scruffy prickles.
Giggles and jokes.
Tickling, which you know I hate.
I pretend to be mad.
Maybe I am a little mad.

It isn't fair, how easy you make life to be.
Can we stay here, above the earth forever?

Hold me dearest, until morning.
Oh, I love you.

Do You Feel Neglected?

Should I bother apologizing for my absence?  Who reads this anyway?  To my minimal (albeit sincere) audience, I have returned.  I promise to never leave you for so long again.  I've been doing some changing and self-improving.  I hope that is acceptable.

Let me catch you up.  Apologies for the impending ramble.

It's been a little less than a month since my last depressive episode, which is amazing.  And it didn't last longer than 24 hours.  I am learning a lot of different ways to master my demons, and remember what I really am capable of.  I am starting to embrace things about myself that I once abhorred.  My husband is happier as a result of me being happier, and I have even noticed things about my son I did not could not before.

Living in an apartment with more than 1 tiny window is a plus.  Not that I won't miss the cave we lived in before but... No, I do not miss the cave.

I have a sense of purpose.  I think it stems from a few things.  Renewed determination to finish my book.  My new job.  My husband's everlasting reassurance and confidence in me.  Taking time to feel comfortable in my skin.

I guess I stopped caring.  About the wrong things, I mean.

Sometimes, I still struggle with caring too much, but baby steps.

#iamenough

Sometimes, I list things that I think are flaws within myself, and mentally turn them into strengths.  Today, I found myself hating the fact I share so much about myself so easily.  Sometimes to people that I may not know incredibly well.  But that just means I am genuine, and have nothing to hide.  I never leave a conversation regretful of what I said, but of how it was received or translated.  I still think too much of what others think of me.  That one will still take some time.

And on that note, Hubs sent me off to work this week with another hickey, and I've worn a scarf 3 of the 4 days I've been to work.  Summer in AZ does not lend itself to scarves, and it's been sweltering.

I hope that confession made you smile.

I enjoy making people smile.

I missed this.

Blog, you always listen to me.  If I could hug you and invite you over for dinner, games, and a movie, I would.

Let's ramble and rant more often, yes?

Also, it is my bestie friend's Tana's birthday today.  And she is beautiful years old.  But seriously I think she is turning 24... 23?  Freak Tana, how old are you?  I'm the worst best friend ever.  Here are some adorable pictures of us to make up for it:

Whe-ell, it's late.  Goodnight.  It's good to be back.
I leave you with this thought.  It's a gem I've enjoyed lately.

"The victim mindset dilutes the human potential.  By not accepting personal responsibility for our circumstances, we greatly reduce our power to change them."
-Steve Maraboli

Quiet Murmurs [in my head]

Some days I wish the world to be quiet.  Just enough for my head to be properly sorted.

I have reached a point in my life that has made clear my role in the world.  I suppose I don't quite know how to take it and proceed.  I feel as though I have a profound understanding of my potential, without the means to act on it.  Have you ever felt that way?  Is it heavy for you to carry as well?  Or perhaps you have found a way to let him/her free.  I do hope you will tell me if that is the case.  It is getting awfully cramped in this heart of mine.

I feel as though I am intended to carry out something important, but what, I don't know.  I feel like poor Bilbo.  Unknowing until someone interrupts my morning and points me in the right direction.  Although I have a sinking feeling my push will not come from a wizard in a grey cloak.  Wishful thinking.

Thoughts, thoughts.  It is quiet and dark outside, and my mind is a bottomless pit.

Tumbling like Alice.  Deeper down the hole.

Curioser and curioser?

No rabbit in a waistcoat.

Just cold feet stuck between a couch cushion.

Feeling listless.

But it is peaceful floating here.

I did my taxes yesterday, and it went much better than I anticipated.

What a comfort.

Now I have to find us a new apartment before the fall.  Closer to the school Josh is transferring to.  But not too far.  I found one I like, but my love is not quite convinced yet.  Fingers crossed.

My son is getting so big.  I keep wondering when we should start number two.  Not in the next year, perhaps, but the next?  I don't want them to be too far apart.  

*sigh* I suppose money will be the main decider.

vomit.

I wish we still adhered to the medieval bartering system.  I would make off like a king.  

"Please good sir, for this glorious 2 bedroom apartment, accept my offering of a mini fridge, 4 unused chemistry books, and this delicious casserole as compensation for this month's rent."

"Well young lass, that would be most generous, if it weren't for the stain your child has seemed to embed into the carpet."

"Then perchance I throw in this adjustable desk lamp?  We have a few to spare."

"Aye, that will do.  Another month then!"

It would be easier, and less hassle than throwing yard sales every few months for all the crap we seem to accumulate.

Then again, I assume my landlord would have use for our crap.

But this is also MY pretend world.  I do what I want.

Oh, I really love the song that just came on.

Pardon me, but I must go.

I leave you now, to lay on my back, stare at the ceiling fan, and lose myself in a whimsical melody.

Bullying: Stop It

There are a few things I have seen recently that have ignited some very intense feelings.

This article and this video.

Bullying has played a very profound role in my life, and I know firsthand how absolutely devastating the effects can be.  It can make you question everything; make you question yourself.  It makes you wonder if you deserve to be happy, when everyone else has decided you don't.  Few things offer up such misery as bullying.

If you look at where society is today, bullying is the easiest thing to do, and there are thousands of outlets to do it through.  The internet, texting, calling, physical violence, emotional manipulation, discrimination, blatant lack of support or encouragement, gossiping, judging, overstepping boundaries with malicious intent... I could go on for a long time, but we all understand the idea.

I was bullied for years before I finally was able to see the abuse for what it was.  I would tell myself that they were joking, and it was all in the name of humor.  I would tell myself they were my friends, or that I was simply not up to scratch with their superior charm and wit.  I was mistaken, dimwitted, part of the fun.  Whatever way I could rationalize things in order to feel like I was not a victim.

Because once you realize and accept what is going on, you can't take that realization back.

And oh, does it sting.

I was quite involved in school from a very young age.  Clubs, leadership positions, extra credit, teacher's pet.  I was bubbly and social and very willing to trust.  A complete open book.  From where I sat, I had done nothing to provoke an attack.

But isn't that often the case?  The attack strikes the one least prepared for it.

Even today, it is difficult for me to look back at ages 11-17 without a slightly bitter taste in my mouth.  Honestly, I don't know when that will go away.

What should be beautiful memories are tainted by feelings of discomfort and misunderstanding, as well as that unfair feeling of being judged prematurely.

All any kid wants at the time of their life is acceptance and reassurance that they are ok being who they are.  How often does that happen?

I could write a book, in all honesty, about heartwrenching memories of abuse and wrongdoings towards me in my adolescence.  But what would that accomplish?

I started typing this, unsure of what my ultimate goal was, but I think I know now.

I type this in the small, infinitesimal chance that someone out there will run into it and know they are NOT alone.

That all those people who whisper and giggle and torment in an effort to forget their own insecurities... they don't matter one bit.  That you, within your suffering, are capable of finding peace.  You have to know, that I know, that there is no such thing as a worthless person.  You are loved, and wanted and admired by someone.  You have talents the world can't wait to see, and you are going to make it.

Be patient, and kill them with kindness.  Because someday your abusers will have no choice but to see things as they are, and what will their eyes be opened to when that day comes?

Don't become one of them.

Don't cry, (although feel no shame when you can't help it), find your strength, and walk out that door without a care in the world.

I care so much about you, though I don't know you.  You are not the only one who suffers.  Remember you are NOT your insecurities.

I send you all my hugs.
And I do believe that it is possible
For the bullying to stop.