You Win Some, You Give Up Some, You Love More.

Here you go
All alone,
Making butterflies show
First it's slow.

Then you take my hand,
Let me cry,
Flick the insecurities off my shoulder.
You smell nice,
And your chest is warm.
And your heartbeat speaks to me.

Oh darling, it's been a long day.
We work too hard
Didn't we have dreams?
Still there, tucked in the corner.
In a box that whispers at night.

You tell me we can open it anytime.
I can do anything,
Or so you insist.

I can't hide the grins.
They fight for control of my features.

My lips taste salty, but now somehow sweeter.

Fingers twist my hair,
Soft forehead kisses.
You gently promise the world
With every intention of delivering.

I am selfish, for needing you so.
You know I am selfish, but pretend I am a saint.
What a nice gesture.

Your cheeks poke mine.  Little scruffy prickles.
Giggles and jokes.
Tickling, which you know I hate.
I pretend to be mad.
Maybe I am a little mad.

It isn't fair, how easy you make life to be.
Can we stay here, above the earth forever?

Hold me dearest, until morning.
Oh, I love you.

Do You Feel Neglected?

Should I bother apologizing for my absence?  Who reads this anyway?  To my minimal (albeit sincere) audience, I have returned.  I promise to never leave you for so long again.  I've been doing some changing and self-improving.  I hope that is acceptable.

Let me catch you up.  Apologies for the impending ramble.

It's been a little less than a month since my last depressive episode, which is amazing.  And it didn't last longer than 24 hours.  I am learning a lot of different ways to master my demons, and remember what I really am capable of.  I am starting to embrace things about myself that I once abhorred.  My husband is happier as a result of me being happier, and I have even noticed things about my son I did not could not before.

Living in an apartment with more than 1 tiny window is a plus.  Not that I won't miss the cave we lived in before but... No, I do not miss the cave.

I have a sense of purpose.  I think it stems from a few things.  Renewed determination to finish my book.  My new job.  My husband's everlasting reassurance and confidence in me.  Taking time to feel comfortable in my skin.

I guess I stopped caring.  About the wrong things, I mean.

Sometimes, I still struggle with caring too much, but baby steps.

#iamenough

Sometimes, I list things that I think are flaws within myself, and mentally turn them into strengths.  Today, I found myself hating the fact I share so much about myself so easily.  Sometimes to people that I may not know incredibly well.  But that just means I am genuine, and have nothing to hide.  I never leave a conversation regretful of what I said, but of how it was received or translated.  I still think too much of what others think of me.  That one will still take some time.

And on that note, Hubs sent me off to work this week with another hickey, and I've worn a scarf 3 of the 4 days I've been to work.  Summer in AZ does not lend itself to scarves, and it's been sweltering.

I hope that confession made you smile.

I enjoy making people smile.

I missed this.

Blog, you always listen to me.  If I could hug you and invite you over for dinner, games, and a movie, I would.

Let's ramble and rant more often, yes?

Also, it is my bestie friend's Tana's birthday today.  And she is beautiful years old.  But seriously I think she is turning 24... 23?  Freak Tana, how old are you?  I'm the worst best friend ever.  Here are some adorable pictures of us to make up for it:

Whe-ell, it's late.  Goodnight.  It's good to be back.
I leave you with this thought.  It's a gem I've enjoyed lately.

"The victim mindset dilutes the human potential.  By not accepting personal responsibility for our circumstances, we greatly reduce our power to change them."
-Steve Maraboli

Quiet Murmurs [in my head]

Some days I wish the world to be quiet.  Just enough for my head to be properly sorted.

I have reached a point in my life that has made clear my role in the world.  I suppose I don't quite know how to take it and proceed.  I feel as though I have a profound understanding of my potential, without the means to act on it.  Have you ever felt that way?  Is it heavy for you to carry as well?  Or perhaps you have found a way to let him/her free.  I do hope you will tell me if that is the case.  It is getting awfully cramped in this heart of mine.

I feel as though I am intended to carry out something important, but what, I don't know.  I feel like poor Bilbo.  Unknowing until someone interrupts my morning and points me in the right direction.  Although I have a sinking feeling my push will not come from a wizard in a grey cloak.  Wishful thinking.

Thoughts, thoughts.  It is quiet and dark outside, and my mind is a bottomless pit.

Tumbling like Alice.  Deeper down the hole.

Curioser and curioser?

No rabbit in a waistcoat.

Just cold feet stuck between a couch cushion.

Feeling listless.

But it is peaceful floating here.

I did my taxes yesterday, and it went much better than I anticipated.

What a comfort.

Now I have to find us a new apartment before the fall.  Closer to the school Josh is transferring to.  But not too far.  I found one I like, but my love is not quite convinced yet.  Fingers crossed.

My son is getting so big.  I keep wondering when we should start number two.  Not in the next year, perhaps, but the next?  I don't want them to be too far apart.  

*sigh* I suppose money will be the main decider.

vomit.

I wish we still adhered to the medieval bartering system.  I would make off like a king.  

"Please good sir, for this glorious 2 bedroom apartment, accept my offering of a mini fridge, 4 unused chemistry books, and this delicious casserole as compensation for this month's rent."

"Well young lass, that would be most generous, if it weren't for the stain your child has seemed to embed into the carpet."

"Then perchance I throw in this adjustable desk lamp?  We have a few to spare."

"Aye, that will do.  Another month then!"

It would be easier, and less hassle than throwing yard sales every few months for all the crap we seem to accumulate.

Then again, I assume my landlord would have use for our crap.

But this is also MY pretend world.  I do what I want.

Oh, I really love the song that just came on.

Pardon me, but I must go.

I leave you now, to lay on my back, stare at the ceiling fan, and lose myself in a whimsical melody.

Bullying: Stop It

There are a few things I have seen recently that have ignited some very intense feelings.

This article and this video.

Bullying has played a very profound role in my life, and I know firsthand how absolutely devastating the effects can be.  It can make you question everything; make you question yourself.  It makes you wonder if you deserve to be happy, when everyone else has decided you don't.  Few things offer up such misery as bullying.

If you look at where society is today, bullying is the easiest thing to do, and there are thousands of outlets to do it through.  The internet, texting, calling, physical violence, emotional manipulation, discrimination, blatant lack of support or encouragement, gossiping, judging, overstepping boundaries with malicious intent... I could go on for a long time, but we all understand the idea.

I was bullied for years before I finally was able to see the abuse for what it was.  I would tell myself that they were joking, and it was all in the name of humor.  I would tell myself they were my friends, or that I was simply not up to scratch with their superior charm and wit.  I was mistaken, dimwitted, part of the fun.  Whatever way I could rationalize things in order to feel like I was not a victim.

Because once you realize and accept what is going on, you can't take that realization back.

And oh, does it sting.

I was quite involved in school from a very young age.  Clubs, leadership positions, extra credit, teacher's pet.  I was bubbly and social and very willing to trust.  A complete open book.  From where I sat, I had done nothing to provoke an attack.

But isn't that often the case?  The attack strikes the one least prepared for it.

Even today, it is difficult for me to look back at ages 11-17 without a slightly bitter taste in my mouth.  Honestly, I don't know when that will go away.

What should be beautiful memories are tainted by feelings of discomfort and misunderstanding, as well as that unfair feeling of being judged prematurely.

All any kid wants at the time of their life is acceptance and reassurance that they are ok being who they are.  How often does that happen?

I could write a book, in all honesty, about heartwrenching memories of abuse and wrongdoings towards me in my adolescence.  But what would that accomplish?

I started typing this, unsure of what my ultimate goal was, but I think I know now.

I type this in the small, infinitesimal chance that someone out there will run into it and know they are NOT alone.

That all those people who whisper and giggle and torment in an effort to forget their own insecurities... they don't matter one bit.  That you, within your suffering, are capable of finding peace.  You have to know, that I know, that there is no such thing as a worthless person.  You are loved, and wanted and admired by someone.  You have talents the world can't wait to see, and you are going to make it.

Be patient, and kill them with kindness.  Because someday your abusers will have no choice but to see things as they are, and what will their eyes be opened to when that day comes?

Don't become one of them.

Don't cry, (although feel no shame when you can't help it), find your strength, and walk out that door without a care in the world.

I care so much about you, though I don't know you.  You are not the only one who suffers.  Remember you are NOT your insecurities.

I send you all my hugs.
And I do believe that it is possible
For the bullying to stop.

Why Are Emotions So Stupid?

Blog, sometimes I get caught up, and forget you exist.  Forgive me?  I will always come back, I promise.

I always wanted to start a blog with personal intentions.  Just a private home among the constant thrum of the internet that would be privy to my mind, and could offer a semblance of sanctuary.  Maybe I should get back to that.

My mind needs a sanctuary.

Which is why I've decided to make it a little more private.  I have always been able to express myself through writing much better than speaking, and I know it might also make sense to just keep this blog to myself... but I just feel like maybe that is my problem.  Maybe I try to hard to shut certain parts of myself up.  Theories.

So I now find myself going back to the original blog I always wanted.  Personal, flawed, and sharable with a small audience.  Yes, I do like it better this way.

My life right now I feel is so full of Pros and Cons, but still feels so jumbled.  Maybe I should try to separate the positive and negative.  Bad stuff first.  I'd rather end on a good note.

LIFE CONS
I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.  First the flu, then a cold, now my allergies are on the fritz.  I am also really dehydrated, and that means every time I stand up, little black spots keep obscuring my vision.  So I am sitting here with a water bottle, drinking until I hate it, and praying Landon does not wake up anytime soon.  Really though, this has been going on for days, and I just want to feel normal.  I even had to leave work early on Saturday because I could hardly stand.

And speaking of work... anyone ever work retail?  I have been with my job for 2 years now (props for that though.  That is the longest I have been anywhere!), and I like it infinitely less than I did when I started.  No matter how many of us "oldies" there are, the New Person turnover keeps rotating, exhausting us all with newer and newer less capable people to teach.  Most days I just take it upon myself to get a good job done, and shut out the stupidity.  Customers are rude, hours are long, and breaks are few.  But what choice do I have?  My boys have to eat, and bills gotta get paid.

And I have grown to hate that feeling.  The feeling that as much as I hate certain aspects of my life right now, they are not very changeable, because everything that is happening is necessary to progress to the next step.  Who could have known how far apart those steps would be?

I hate living in The Cave.  That is what I call it in my mind.  Because that is exactly what it is.  I live in a basement apartment with a single window that barely illuminates one room.  For a girl who often struggles with depression, it is not the most opportune living arrangement.  But it is the cheapest one, which often settles any decision.

I hate not being able to be a full time student, as I always pictured myself being at this point in my life.  I hate having to wait to pursue the dream I have only had since I was 7.  All that is available to me right now is maybe, maybe 1 online class at a time.

I despise the fact that money runs the world.

I hate being so far away from my family, because as much as you love people, distance always puts a strain on a relationship.  I feel like some of those relationships are now infinitely more awkward and silent judgments are being passed.  Maybe that is part of what happens as a family grows up and gets married and whatnot.  I don't know.  But none of us are exactly the same, and that should just be ok.  I don't like the feeling that my standards of living are not up to par with other members of the family, when I think we are doing just fine.  You know what it feels like sometimes?  It feels like I am in an art class, and I am working on this painting that is a little different from the other student's work.  Then the teacher walks by and sometimes he says something like, "that is an interesting way to paint that, but let me show you why it is wrong." OR the teacher walks by and shakes his head without saying anything, and makes some sort of dissatisfied noise.  And I can feel the disapproval oozing all the way from his desk.  It seems like once one issue gets resolved, another is bubbling at the surface.  It is hard because I just remember simpler times, when family discomfort just meant that Jon had been teasing me again.

I don't think I realized how much that was bothering me until now.

And I don't know if there is a solution for that one because if someone opts out of chiming in, I'll just know they are disapproving inside their heads anyway.

Maybe.  Ugh.  I don't know.

I mean, I'm not trying to slam my family.  I think they are all perfectly wonderful.  I would just like to be accepted for my differences of living.  It's not like my lifestyle is all that drastically different.

I dunno, I do not mean for this to become a whole post about my deep-seated family insecurity issues.

It's just that, I was raised in a pretty strict, proper home compared to most kids.  Even kids that were the same religion as me.  But now I am grown up, and I think it is my turn to decide what is ok for my family.  And so far, I think I am doing a great job, honestly.  I just don't always think everyone is of that same opinion.

And that's enough of that.

I also struggle on and off with my anxiety and depression, and lately my anxiety has been eeking into my social perceptions, and it is really annoying!  I haven't even been taking my birth control as regularly as I probably should, because when I am on it, my depression feels worse.  Is it bad for me to want to be happy?  It is just hard to take it knowing how much harder it will be to fight those feelings.  I should get it figured out though.  Sometimes I just feel despondent.  I guess I would like to feel clear-headed and healthy.  Currently, that is what I am aiming for.

LIFE PROS

My husband is the bomb, and supports me through everything.  I know there are times where it is really difficult for him to understand why or what I am feeling, but he tries anyway.  He is such a good father, and it is like, my favorite thing to watch.  He works so hard so I don't have to work (as much) and has this borderline annoying happy-no-matter-what attitude that luckily, gets infectious.  He is flying through his schooling the best he can, so that I can have my shot at it, and he is doing SO WELL.  He will be transferring to ASU in the fall, so that means we can move OUT of The Cave, and somewhere with more light and life to be had.  Watching him succeed motivates me more than anything.

My son is honestly, a pretty easy kid, and the older and more interactive he gets, the closer our relationship is, and I love having that connection with him.  At least, even if I fail everything else, I can know I am a great mom, and that he loves me unconditionally.  For now at least.  Wait until he is old enough for chores.  Then we'll talk.  LOL.

I have my little sister coming to visit me for a week this month, and I think that will be good for both of us.  She is graduating high school (ugh, how does that happen?) soon and I am glad to spend time with her before she flies out into the big wide world.  And at the end of the month, I get to spend a few days with (almost) the whole rest of my family, and I think that will give our distance-strained relationships some relief.  When it comes down to it, I love my family more than anything, and I know they love me too.  I feel blessed to have the one I do, and I think we are just a family that is still learning what it means to form our own units.  I also have a new niece and nephew to meet!  Ooooh the baby fever is bad some days, guys.

I guess I will count that as a pro.  I have baby fever, and were it not for living costs and ... ok pretty much money in general, we would be on our way to popping out another one as far as I am concerned.  But since we can not even think about it right now, I use it as motivation to get to a place where we can.  Until then we are taking plenty of precautions. LOL (My spotty use of birth control has been reinforced, so trust me, we are good.)

I get to teach a class two Thursdays from now to a group of women about the importance of choosing happiness.  Sometimes I wonder how qualified I am to speak on that topic, but I think it is a lesson that I myself need to adhere to.  Maybe this lesson will be more for my benefit, but maybe that is ok.  I am having a lot of fun doing the research for it, and maybe it will turn out.

I also am having the time of my life researching/writing my book, and I love it so much.  For now, that is my second baby. :)

Well, my water bottle is empty, and my head feels slightly better.

I have high hopes that today will be a good one.

2014

Why hello blog, we haven't spoken in a while.

The year is almost over, and I'm pleased to discover that I'm pretty excited about that!

New Year's has long been my favorite holiday, and for some that seems strange, given that we just had Thanksgiving and Christmas (also awesome).  It's just that, well, there are few things in life I love more than a clean slate.  And not just that, but an opportunity for change.  For improvement.  For adventure.  I am quite fond of all those things.

One of my favorite books, Anne of Green Gables, says: "Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it."

But I often recite it to myself with a little revision: "Tomorrow is always fresh, with every opportunity in it."

And this, friends, is why I am excited for this new year.

I know for many, New Year's is a time of revision, repentance, and hopeful do-overs.  But at this point in my life, I find that idea pessimistic.  I think that too often, we sit and mourn all of the things that went wrong, and say, "next time I'll do __".

For me, that has never yielded the best results.  I've found that if I set a goal while pledging to right a wrong I've committed, or fix a flaw, I focus too much on the mistake.  I then get discouraged, lose hope, and go back to old habits.

In reality, there is nothing wrong with you.  Just be a better version of yourself.

There is an idea that in order to be happy, we must change who we are.  I disagree.  I think that happiness comes when we accept who we are, and then set out to perfect that person.

That is what my hope for this year is.

Back From Vacation

Hello, there.

After posting daily for a whole month, it was pretty fantastic to take a breather on the blog and focus all my writing energy on my book instead.  The book is, by the way, coming along quite swimmingly.  In fact, I'm convinced I might even finish it before I die.

Maybe.

But blogging does give me a different sort of satisfaction, so I will try not to leave you again for so long.

It's late, honestly.  I keep asking myself why I'm not snuggled in bed.  I guess it's just so quiet...

Except for my son whimpering in the next room... hold on...

Ah, better.  And all is well again.

I suppose I could simply offer an update on myself and life and whatnot.

My depression has been kicking me in the butt the last couple of weeks.  Granted it was, uh, time for my "visit" and I may have forgotten to take my meds a couple days in a row (5.  5 days.  Oops.), but now that I'm back on track I hope I can regain some sense of sanity.

Wait... baby whimpering again... no... ok.

Poor kid.  I hope he isn't having a nightmare.
That's my thing, usually.

If you know me, and have seen me lately yawning like an abyss or looking so dead-eyed I actually could be dead... It's because of the nightmares.  And the depressive moments, and the not-getting-enough-sleep.   Mostly that last one.

It'll pass.  The holiday season is upon us, and I happen to be a notorious Christmas freak.

I mean it, I started listening to Christmas music... long before most of you would deem acceptable.  I kind of take pride in it.  Just a little.

If I ever do have a house someday, I swear to you, I will be that crazy neighbor with a musically timed Christmas light show in her front yard.  I will be the lady who cranks out 1,000 boxes of sugar cookies in a day, and hand them out like the delicious commodities they are.  I absolutely will be the lady who will stage an elaborate visit from Santa for my kids long after they are old enough to know "the truth."

Also, not to brag, but I am pretty much done with my Christmas shopping.  I even got Josh his anniversary gift already, which is a week before Christmas.  So... I rock, basically.

Well, I think my brain is finally deciding to relax for the evening, so I am going to head to bed before I lose this precious moment of clarity.

Good night.