Back From Vacation

Hello, there.

After posting daily for a whole month, it was pretty fantastic to take a breather on the blog and focus all my writing energy on my book instead.  The book is, by the way, coming along quite swimmingly.  In fact, I'm convinced I might even finish it before I die.

Maybe.

But blogging does give me a different sort of satisfaction, so I will try not to leave you again for so long.

It's late, honestly.  I keep asking myself why I'm not snuggled in bed.  I guess it's just so quiet...

Except for my son whimpering in the next room... hold on...

Ah, better.  And all is well again.

I suppose I could simply offer an update on myself and life and whatnot.

My depression has been kicking me in the butt the last couple of weeks.  Granted it was, uh, time for my "visit" and I may have forgotten to take my meds a couple days in a row (5.  5 days.  Oops.), but now that I'm back on track I hope I can regain some sense of sanity.

Wait... baby whimpering again... no... ok.

Poor kid.  I hope he isn't having a nightmare.
That's my thing, usually.

If you know me, and have seen me lately yawning like an abyss or looking so dead-eyed I actually could be dead... It's because of the nightmares.  And the depressive moments, and the not-getting-enough-sleep.   Mostly that last one.

It'll pass.  The holiday season is upon us, and I happen to be a notorious Christmas freak.

I mean it, I started listening to Christmas music... long before most of you would deem acceptable.  I kind of take pride in it.  Just a little.

If I ever do have a house someday, I swear to you, I will be that crazy neighbor with a musically timed Christmas light show in her front yard.  I will be the lady who cranks out 1,000 boxes of sugar cookies in a day, and hand them out like the delicious commodities they are.  I absolutely will be the lady who will stage an elaborate visit from Santa for my kids long after they are old enough to know "the truth."

Also, not to brag, but I am pretty much done with my Christmas shopping.  I even got Josh his anniversary gift already, which is a week before Christmas.  So... I rock, basically.

Well, I think my brain is finally deciding to relax for the evening, so I am going to head to bed before I lose this precious moment of clarity.

Good night.

Blogtober Day 31: Ba-BAM

I did it!  I wrote a blog post every day for a whole month!

Now what?

Now I spend more time on my book.

This whole thing has been helpful though.  It has forced me to write SOMETHING every day.  Even if it is not very good.  The point is, I have to keep it up to get to the good.

Also, IT IS HALLOWEEN.  WHICH I LOVE.

I have been pumped for Halloween for weeks now.  My little family has a pretty good costume plan, and we get to carve pumpkins and eat junk food and YAY!

I won't say what our costumes are, but I will post pictures soon.  It's gonna be fantastic.

I hope you have a fun Halloween!  Stay away from the crazy alcoholness, and be smart, and don't talk to strangers, and hold hands when you cross the street.

Also, I will accept all chocolate donations.

Blogtober Day 30: Happy List

Today, it is difficult to see past my anxiety.  Not sure why, exactly, but I am determined to turn things around.  Despite being desperately tired yesterday, I still managed to be optimistic, so I have resorted to a favorite standby: my fix-it playlist.  It is a playlist of songs that are capable of dispelling the grumpiest of moods.  It hasn't failed me yet.  If you are also having a bad day, maybe try a few of these bad boys:

1. Footloose by Kenny Loggins
2. Untouched by The Veronicas
3. We Didn't Start The Fire by Billy Joel
4. Party Starter by Will Smith
5. Mood Rings by Relient K
6. Hungry Like The Wolf by Duran Duran
7. Shake It by Metro Station
8. Down by Jay Sean Featuring Lil Wayne
9. Are You Gonna Be My Girl by Jet
10. Midnight Romeo by Push Play
11. One Week by Barenaked Ladies
12. Paris (Ooh La La) by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals
13. Miracle by Cascada
14. Stop Loving You by Toto
15. Danza Kuduro by Don Omar Featuring Lucenzo
16. Hey Ya by Outkast
17. Want U Back by Cher Lloyd
18. September by Earth, Wind, and Fire
19. Mmmbop by Hanson
20. Geek in Pink by Jason Mraz

There, something to start you off. 

Maybe next time I have a rough day, I'll have a Playlist Part II post.  Because honestly, this is barely scratching the surface. :)

Blogtober Day 29: Exhaustion

I'm completely exhausted today, and that's all I can think about.

I have been having night after night of insanely vivid dreams and nightmares, each waking me and soothing me in turn.  It's a reckless cycle, and I have reached the point where I would do anything to break it.

I don't feel overly stressed, or anxious, or even depressed as compared to normal.  In fact, I've been relatively content lately.  But nights are... a different story.

It's a good thing Halloween is coming up, because I know I look like a complete zombie shuffling around.  My hope for today is that work tires me out so badly tonight, I can come home and crash without a second thought.

I need sleep.  I want it.  Crave it, even.  Yet it evades me.

Have you ever reached that point, where you are so tired, everything feels like it isn't real?  Like you are moving in slow motion, and every reaction is delayed while you decide if it's real or not?

I keep catching myself staring into the wall.  Maybe if I stare long enough a hole will appear.  It will get bigger and bigger until it swallows me up.  Then, in the black nothingness of the hole I will sleep as long as I want.

Ugh, everything feels so heavy.

My eyelids feel heavy.

I'm shriveling.

Blogtober Day 28: Imagination

Growing up, I was taught various virtues of the sort I'm sure every child is introduced to.

Kindness, Patience, Cleanliness, Honesty, etc.

I've always thought we were missing one that is all too important to children and adults alike.

Imagination

It is easy enough to maintain when you are young.  I remember spending countless hours building forts that were really palaces, and traversing jungles that sprouted up in my backyard.  I had my own little dreamworld that I visited constantly.  That dreamworld was as real to me as anything else.

Now that I'm older, I forget how long it has been since I visited.  A fact that saddens me.

I understand that, as we get older, reality offers more pressing needs than those dreamworlds.  But do we have to forsake them all together? 

One night, months ago, when my depression was hitting me hard, my husband wrapped me up in a blanket, held me tight, and asked what he could do.  The first thing I blurted out desperately was, "tell me something happy."

Then we escaped together, he and I.  Just for a few minutes.  Suddenly we had a big, beautiful house.  I wish you could have seen it.  It was everything we dreamed of.  Lots of windows, too.  Green yard, lots of flowers.  We had a few children running around, each a better reflection of us, with smiles and laughs that spread easily.  There was a room tucked away with all kinds of pretty things to look at, and a typewriter.  I could stow away there are write all day if I wanted to.  We had food to eat, and pretty clothes, and our children attended Hogwarts.

Maybe it sounds silly, but as Josh painted that picture for me, everything made sense again.  It isn't that I forgot what made me sad in the first place.  It is that I remembered how to make myself happy.

Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake.
-Henry David Thoreau

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
-Mark Twain

An idea is salvation by imagination.
-Frank Lloyd Wright

Of course it is happening inside your head... but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?
-J.K. Rowling

Blogtober Day 27: I'm A Grown-Up

My oldest friend is doing Blogtober with me, and today she wrote about becoming a grown up.

And all I can think of is, when did we get old?

Not that we are OLD old.  But when did we start getting degrees and making babies and stuff?  Just yesterday we were trading food in our lunches and pledging to form the greatest girl band ever seen.

Now I pay bills.  Those things I used to hear my father grumble about.  Now I drive my car places all by myself.  Now I make my own meals and attempt to do my own laundry.

I feel like I missed a step.

I mean, I know what step I missed.  I never really got the college experience.  Never had a dorm, or roommates.  I never had to sign up for classes or buy textbooks at extreme prices.  Honestly, it makes me sad that I didn't get to do all that.  Instead, I fell madly in love and got married.

Psh, inconvenient, right?

(Josh, I am still madly in love with you.  Always.)

I will go to college (sooner than later), and it will be wonderful. 

I'll probably pop out a few more babies, hopefully write many books, and continue being a grown-up.

What other choice do I have?

Just because I'm an adult does not mean I will stop spending hours coloring when I'm stressed, or making faces in the mirror when I'm tired.

Because age is just a number, folks.

Blogtober Day 26: My Favorite Villains

Being a writer, you inevitably read a LOT.  I've read hundreds of books, and I have found I posses a ridiculous love for villains.  Not that I cheer them on exactly.  Of course I want good to win out in the end.  There is just something about a character that is just so delightfully vile you catch yourself wishing the struggle could go on for the mere sake of seeing more.

As write about my own villains, I am, of course, inspired by a few of my favorites.  Here they are (in no specific order).

1. Captain James Hook
The swashbuckling rogue of the Jolly Roger is positively wicked.  He is so heartless, he will not hesitate to pursue revenge against children, even if it means killing them.  However, he does have a code of living, which is more than can be said of most villains.  Hook is always mindful of keeping "good form" and staying true to a standard of honor.  In that aspect, he actually isn't totally unheroic.  In fact, I've often thought that if his life had played out differently, James Hook would have made an excellent hero.  But I suspect I wouldn't love him as much if that were true.  He is better suited to dashing wit and his black little heart. (To you naysayers who argue that Long John Silver is a better villain, stop.  Stop your crazy right now.)

2. Capricorn
From the Inkheart series, he is the epitome of cruelty.  There is not a forgiving, compassionate bone in his body, and I love that.  He makes an impression, but I doubt he cares.  When you first hear him described, it gives you the perfect insight into who he is.
"How can I explain what he's like?  If you were to see a cat eating a young bird, I expect you'd cry, wouldn't you?  Or try to help the bird.  Capricorn would feed the bird to the cat on purpose, just to watch it being torn apart, and the little creature's screeching and struggling would be as sweet as honey to him."
Power obsessed and indifferent to his obstacles, he is a man who gets what he wants, always.  Pitiless and perfect.
(Please, please never watch the movie.  It's a joke.)

3. Mrs. Coulter
From the Dark Materials series, she is no Mary Poppins.  She is determined and manipulative, and a little desperate at times.  I think what I love most about her is her insatiable curiosity.  Coulter will go to extraordinary lengths to satisfy that curiosity, and that is something I relate to.  She is complicated, as all villains are.  Particularly with her relationship to Lyra.  She is one of the better examples that evil is not born, but made.

4. Lord Voldemort
Obviously.  How many villains do you know that have people afraid to utter their name?  What I find most captivating is his utter lack of understanding of love.  It is his downfall in the end, and that suits me perfectly.  Most villains, despite their actions and pursuits, have some capacity for love.  Not Tom Riddle.  He is devoid of any attachment, except for his beloved Horcruxes.  It tickles me that he would exterminate all of his death eaters, if it weren't for their usefulness in achieving his goals.  It is so wonderful when you have a villain that is literally the polar opposite of your hero.

5. Madame and Monsieur Thenardier
Who doesn't love a character that stoops to the lowest of low.  Really, they both are complete vermin, and they know it, and they couldn't care less.  That isn't how they see themselves.  They are cunning, manipulative, indifferent tot he suffering their actions will cause.  They do have a certain love for each other, which is solidified by their lust for power and wealth.  The Thenardier duo will sell to the highest bidder, and then take them for a ride.  Love it.

Who are some of your favorite villains?  Leave a comment!  I love discovering new ones... :)