Why Are Emotions So Stupid?

Blog, sometimes I get caught up, and forget you exist.  Forgive me?  I will always come back, I promise.

I always wanted to start a blog with personal intentions.  Just a private home among the constant thrum of the internet that would be privy to my mind, and could offer a semblance of sanctuary.  Maybe I should get back to that.

My mind needs a sanctuary.

Which is why I've decided to make it a little more private.  I have always been able to express myself through writing much better than speaking, and I know it might also make sense to just keep this blog to myself... but I just feel like maybe that is my problem.  Maybe I try to hard to shut certain parts of myself up.  Theories.

So I now find myself going back to the original blog I always wanted.  Personal, flawed, and sharable with a small audience.  Yes, I do like it better this way.

My life right now I feel is so full of Pros and Cons, but still feels so jumbled.  Maybe I should try to separate the positive and negative.  Bad stuff first.  I'd rather end on a good note.

LIFE CONS
I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.  First the flu, then a cold, now my allergies are on the fritz.  I am also really dehydrated, and that means every time I stand up, little black spots keep obscuring my vision.  So I am sitting here with a water bottle, drinking until I hate it, and praying Landon does not wake up anytime soon.  Really though, this has been going on for days, and I just want to feel normal.  I even had to leave work early on Saturday because I could hardly stand.

And speaking of work... anyone ever work retail?  I have been with my job for 2 years now (props for that though.  That is the longest I have been anywhere!), and I like it infinitely less than I did when I started.  No matter how many of us "oldies" there are, the New Person turnover keeps rotating, exhausting us all with newer and newer less capable people to teach.  Most days I just take it upon myself to get a good job done, and shut out the stupidity.  Customers are rude, hours are long, and breaks are few.  But what choice do I have?  My boys have to eat, and bills gotta get paid.

And I have grown to hate that feeling.  The feeling that as much as I hate certain aspects of my life right now, they are not very changeable, because everything that is happening is necessary to progress to the next step.  Who could have known how far apart those steps would be?

I hate living in The Cave.  That is what I call it in my mind.  Because that is exactly what it is.  I live in a basement apartment with a single window that barely illuminates one room.  For a girl who often struggles with depression, it is not the most opportune living arrangement.  But it is the cheapest one, which often settles any decision.

I hate not being able to be a full time student, as I always pictured myself being at this point in my life.  I hate having to wait to pursue the dream I have only had since I was 7.  All that is available to me right now is maybe, maybe 1 online class at a time.

I despise the fact that money runs the world.

I hate being so far away from my family, because as much as you love people, distance always puts a strain on a relationship.  I feel like some of those relationships are now infinitely more awkward and silent judgments are being passed.  Maybe that is part of what happens as a family grows up and gets married and whatnot.  I don't know.  But none of us are exactly the same, and that should just be ok.  I don't like the feeling that my standards of living are not up to par with other members of the family, when I think we are doing just fine.  You know what it feels like sometimes?  It feels like I am in an art class, and I am working on this painting that is a little different from the other student's work.  Then the teacher walks by and sometimes he says something like, "that is an interesting way to paint that, but let me show you why it is wrong." OR the teacher walks by and shakes his head without saying anything, and makes some sort of dissatisfied noise.  And I can feel the disapproval oozing all the way from his desk.  It seems like once one issue gets resolved, another is bubbling at the surface.  It is hard because I just remember simpler times, when family discomfort just meant that Jon had been teasing me again.

I don't think I realized how much that was bothering me until now.

And I don't know if there is a solution for that one because if someone opts out of chiming in, I'll just know they are disapproving inside their heads anyway.

Maybe.  Ugh.  I don't know.

I mean, I'm not trying to slam my family.  I think they are all perfectly wonderful.  I would just like to be accepted for my differences of living.  It's not like my lifestyle is all that drastically different.

I dunno, I do not mean for this to become a whole post about my deep-seated family insecurity issues.

It's just that, I was raised in a pretty strict, proper home compared to most kids.  Even kids that were the same religion as me.  But now I am grown up, and I think it is my turn to decide what is ok for my family.  And so far, I think I am doing a great job, honestly.  I just don't always think everyone is of that same opinion.

And that's enough of that.

I also struggle on and off with my anxiety and depression, and lately my anxiety has been eeking into my social perceptions, and it is really annoying!  I haven't even been taking my birth control as regularly as I probably should, because when I am on it, my depression feels worse.  Is it bad for me to want to be happy?  It is just hard to take it knowing how much harder it will be to fight those feelings.  I should get it figured out though.  Sometimes I just feel despondent.  I guess I would like to feel clear-headed and healthy.  Currently, that is what I am aiming for.

LIFE PROS

My husband is the bomb, and supports me through everything.  I know there are times where it is really difficult for him to understand why or what I am feeling, but he tries anyway.  He is such a good father, and it is like, my favorite thing to watch.  He works so hard so I don't have to work (as much) and has this borderline annoying happy-no-matter-what attitude that luckily, gets infectious.  He is flying through his schooling the best he can, so that I can have my shot at it, and he is doing SO WELL.  He will be transferring to ASU in the fall, so that means we can move OUT of The Cave, and somewhere with more light and life to be had.  Watching him succeed motivates me more than anything.

My son is honestly, a pretty easy kid, and the older and more interactive he gets, the closer our relationship is, and I love having that connection with him.  At least, even if I fail everything else, I can know I am a great mom, and that he loves me unconditionally.  For now at least.  Wait until he is old enough for chores.  Then we'll talk.  LOL.

I have my little sister coming to visit me for a week this month, and I think that will be good for both of us.  She is graduating high school (ugh, how does that happen?) soon and I am glad to spend time with her before she flies out into the big wide world.  And at the end of the month, I get to spend a few days with (almost) the whole rest of my family, and I think that will give our distance-strained relationships some relief.  When it comes down to it, I love my family more than anything, and I know they love me too.  I feel blessed to have the one I do, and I think we are just a family that is still learning what it means to form our own units.  I also have a new niece and nephew to meet!  Ooooh the baby fever is bad some days, guys.

I guess I will count that as a pro.  I have baby fever, and were it not for living costs and ... ok pretty much money in general, we would be on our way to popping out another one as far as I am concerned.  But since we can not even think about it right now, I use it as motivation to get to a place where we can.  Until then we are taking plenty of precautions. LOL (My spotty use of birth control has been reinforced, so trust me, we are good.)

I get to teach a class two Thursdays from now to a group of women about the importance of choosing happiness.  Sometimes I wonder how qualified I am to speak on that topic, but I think it is a lesson that I myself need to adhere to.  Maybe this lesson will be more for my benefit, but maybe that is ok.  I am having a lot of fun doing the research for it, and maybe it will turn out.

I also am having the time of my life researching/writing my book, and I love it so much.  For now, that is my second baby. :)

Well, my water bottle is empty, and my head feels slightly better.

I have high hopes that today will be a good one.

2014

Why hello blog, we haven't spoken in a while.

The year is almost over, and I'm pleased to discover that I'm pretty excited about that!

New Year's has long been my favorite holiday, and for some that seems strange, given that we just had Thanksgiving and Christmas (also awesome).  It's just that, well, there are few things in life I love more than a clean slate.  And not just that, but an opportunity for change.  For improvement.  For adventure.  I am quite fond of all those things.

One of my favorite books, Anne of Green Gables, says: "Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it."

But I often recite it to myself with a little revision: "Tomorrow is always fresh, with every opportunity in it."

And this, friends, is why I am excited for this new year.

I know for many, New Year's is a time of revision, repentance, and hopeful do-overs.  But at this point in my life, I find that idea pessimistic.  I think that too often, we sit and mourn all of the things that went wrong, and say, "next time I'll do __".

For me, that has never yielded the best results.  I've found that if I set a goal while pledging to right a wrong I've committed, or fix a flaw, I focus too much on the mistake.  I then get discouraged, lose hope, and go back to old habits.

In reality, there is nothing wrong with you.  Just be a better version of yourself.

There is an idea that in order to be happy, we must change who we are.  I disagree.  I think that happiness comes when we accept who we are, and then set out to perfect that person.

That is what my hope for this year is.

Back From Vacation

Hello, there.

After posting daily for a whole month, it was pretty fantastic to take a breather on the blog and focus all my writing energy on my book instead.  The book is, by the way, coming along quite swimmingly.  In fact, I'm convinced I might even finish it before I die.

Maybe.

But blogging does give me a different sort of satisfaction, so I will try not to leave you again for so long.

It's late, honestly.  I keep asking myself why I'm not snuggled in bed.  I guess it's just so quiet...

Except for my son whimpering in the next room... hold on...

Ah, better.  And all is well again.

I suppose I could simply offer an update on myself and life and whatnot.

My depression has been kicking me in the butt the last couple of weeks.  Granted it was, uh, time for my "visit" and I may have forgotten to take my meds a couple days in a row (5.  5 days.  Oops.), but now that I'm back on track I hope I can regain some sense of sanity.

Wait... baby whimpering again... no... ok.

Poor kid.  I hope he isn't having a nightmare.
That's my thing, usually.

If you know me, and have seen me lately yawning like an abyss or looking so dead-eyed I actually could be dead... It's because of the nightmares.  And the depressive moments, and the not-getting-enough-sleep.   Mostly that last one.

It'll pass.  The holiday season is upon us, and I happen to be a notorious Christmas freak.

I mean it, I started listening to Christmas music... long before most of you would deem acceptable.  I kind of take pride in it.  Just a little.

If I ever do have a house someday, I swear to you, I will be that crazy neighbor with a musically timed Christmas light show in her front yard.  I will be the lady who cranks out 1,000 boxes of sugar cookies in a day, and hand them out like the delicious commodities they are.  I absolutely will be the lady who will stage an elaborate visit from Santa for my kids long after they are old enough to know "the truth."

Also, not to brag, but I am pretty much done with my Christmas shopping.  I even got Josh his anniversary gift already, which is a week before Christmas.  So... I rock, basically.

Well, I think my brain is finally deciding to relax for the evening, so I am going to head to bed before I lose this precious moment of clarity.

Good night.

Blogtober Day 31: Ba-BAM

I did it!  I wrote a blog post every day for a whole month!

Now what?

Now I spend more time on my book.

This whole thing has been helpful though.  It has forced me to write SOMETHING every day.  Even if it is not very good.  The point is, I have to keep it up to get to the good.

Also, IT IS HALLOWEEN.  WHICH I LOVE.

I have been pumped for Halloween for weeks now.  My little family has a pretty good costume plan, and we get to carve pumpkins and eat junk food and YAY!

I won't say what our costumes are, but I will post pictures soon.  It's gonna be fantastic.

I hope you have a fun Halloween!  Stay away from the crazy alcoholness, and be smart, and don't talk to strangers, and hold hands when you cross the street.

Also, I will accept all chocolate donations.

Blogtober Day 30: Happy List

Today, it is difficult to see past my anxiety.  Not sure why, exactly, but I am determined to turn things around.  Despite being desperately tired yesterday, I still managed to be optimistic, so I have resorted to a favorite standby: my fix-it playlist.  It is a playlist of songs that are capable of dispelling the grumpiest of moods.  It hasn't failed me yet.  If you are also having a bad day, maybe try a few of these bad boys:

1. Footloose by Kenny Loggins
2. Untouched by The Veronicas
3. We Didn't Start The Fire by Billy Joel
4. Party Starter by Will Smith
5. Mood Rings by Relient K
6. Hungry Like The Wolf by Duran Duran
7. Shake It by Metro Station
8. Down by Jay Sean Featuring Lil Wayne
9. Are You Gonna Be My Girl by Jet
10. Midnight Romeo by Push Play
11. One Week by Barenaked Ladies
12. Paris (Ooh La La) by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals
13. Miracle by Cascada
14. Stop Loving You by Toto
15. Danza Kuduro by Don Omar Featuring Lucenzo
16. Hey Ya by Outkast
17. Want U Back by Cher Lloyd
18. September by Earth, Wind, and Fire
19. Mmmbop by Hanson
20. Geek in Pink by Jason Mraz

There, something to start you off. 

Maybe next time I have a rough day, I'll have a Playlist Part II post.  Because honestly, this is barely scratching the surface. :)

Blogtober Day 29: Exhaustion

I'm completely exhausted today, and that's all I can think about.

I have been having night after night of insanely vivid dreams and nightmares, each waking me and soothing me in turn.  It's a reckless cycle, and I have reached the point where I would do anything to break it.

I don't feel overly stressed, or anxious, or even depressed as compared to normal.  In fact, I've been relatively content lately.  But nights are... a different story.

It's a good thing Halloween is coming up, because I know I look like a complete zombie shuffling around.  My hope for today is that work tires me out so badly tonight, I can come home and crash without a second thought.

I need sleep.  I want it.  Crave it, even.  Yet it evades me.

Have you ever reached that point, where you are so tired, everything feels like it isn't real?  Like you are moving in slow motion, and every reaction is delayed while you decide if it's real or not?

I keep catching myself staring into the wall.  Maybe if I stare long enough a hole will appear.  It will get bigger and bigger until it swallows me up.  Then, in the black nothingness of the hole I will sleep as long as I want.

Ugh, everything feels so heavy.

My eyelids feel heavy.

I'm shriveling.

Blogtober Day 28: Imagination

Growing up, I was taught various virtues of the sort I'm sure every child is introduced to.

Kindness, Patience, Cleanliness, Honesty, etc.

I've always thought we were missing one that is all too important to children and adults alike.

Imagination

It is easy enough to maintain when you are young.  I remember spending countless hours building forts that were really palaces, and traversing jungles that sprouted up in my backyard.  I had my own little dreamworld that I visited constantly.  That dreamworld was as real to me as anything else.

Now that I'm older, I forget how long it has been since I visited.  A fact that saddens me.

I understand that, as we get older, reality offers more pressing needs than those dreamworlds.  But do we have to forsake them all together? 

One night, months ago, when my depression was hitting me hard, my husband wrapped me up in a blanket, held me tight, and asked what he could do.  The first thing I blurted out desperately was, "tell me something happy."

Then we escaped together, he and I.  Just for a few minutes.  Suddenly we had a big, beautiful house.  I wish you could have seen it.  It was everything we dreamed of.  Lots of windows, too.  Green yard, lots of flowers.  We had a few children running around, each a better reflection of us, with smiles and laughs that spread easily.  There was a room tucked away with all kinds of pretty things to look at, and a typewriter.  I could stow away there are write all day if I wanted to.  We had food to eat, and pretty clothes, and our children attended Hogwarts.

Maybe it sounds silly, but as Josh painted that picture for me, everything made sense again.  It isn't that I forgot what made me sad in the first place.  It is that I remembered how to make myself happy.

Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake.
-Henry David Thoreau

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
-Mark Twain

An idea is salvation by imagination.
-Frank Lloyd Wright

Of course it is happening inside your head... but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?
-J.K. Rowling